


Hermes Makes A Group Chat — It Goes About As Well As You’d Expect

by SummerBummin



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: Almost all of them are either Bi or Ace, Dysfunctional Family, Effeminate Apollo and Dionysus, Mentions of drugs and alcohol, Modern Era, Multi, Platonic Relationships, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Sexual Refrences, all of them are friends because I say so, but they make it work, chat fic, even if some of them are more like frenemies lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29809341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SummerBummin/pseuds/SummerBummin
Summary: The Greek gods of old are still around... and now they’re in the 21st century which comes with a few technological advancements...Hermes added Apollo, Dionysus, Artemis, Athena, Aphrodite, Ares, and HephaestusHermes: group chat :D!!
Relationships: Aphrodite/Ares (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Apollo/Hyacinthus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Ariadne/Dionysus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Hermes added Apollo, Dionysus, Artemis, Athena, Aphrodite, Ares, and Hephaestus**

Hermes: group chat :D!!

Artemis: I regret ever giving you my number 

Hermes: :((

Apollo: C’mon Artemis don’t be like that 

Apollo: Now all us 2nd gen Olympians can talk to each other in here

Hephaestus: I’m also regretting

Hephaestus: I never should’ve helped invent phones 

Dionysus: but it was such a good invention!! 

Dionysus: bc of u we now have drunk texting 

Hephaestus: that’s what you take away from phones? Drunk texting?

Dionysus: yee

Ares: HERMES WHY DID U ADD ME TO THIS

Hephaestus: yeah hermes why did u add him to this 

Hermes: BC I MISS TALKING TO MY BROS

Aphrodite: eh hem

Hermes: and my sistas 

Artemis: don’t say sistas

Hermes: everyone is so busy these days i never get to talk to you guys anymore :((

Athena: It could potentially be a good method of communication and promote unity. 

Hermes: SEE? Athena agrees with me

Athena: I didn’t say that.

Hermes: now that everyone is here we need nicknames! 

**Hermes changed their name to gottagofast**

Apollo: Really? A sonic reference?

gottagofast: i like sonic! 

Ares: furry

gottagofast: how tf do u even know what that is

Ares: you do know who our father is?

gottagofast: oh right

**Ares changed their name to GottaKillEmAll**

gottagofast: YES POKEMON

gottagofast: I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON U BRO

GottaKillEmAll: love violent video games

Athena: Pokémon isn’t violent. 

GottaKillEmAll: says u

Apollo: My family is full of gamers I hate it here

gottagofast: u say that like u dont play guitar hero and ddr

Apollo: Those are arcade games they don’t count 

Artemis: but they are games

**Dionysus changed their name to wineaunt**

Apollo: finally one that isn’t a video game ref 

wineaunt: i like the tshirts

Apollo: I know ur closet is full of them 

Apollo: Also quit stealing my dresses 

wineaunt: no <3

Apollo: biTCH

**Hephaestus changed their name to BobTheBuilder**

BobTheBuilder: it was the only one I could think of 

wineaunt: its great man! it suits u

gottagofast: apollo! give urself a nickname!

Apollo: Hold on I’m thinking

gottagofast: HURRY UP

Apollo: You can’t rush creativity 

**Aphrodite changed their name to FairestOfThemAll**

gottagofast: ooh snow white nice 

gottagofast: disney princesses are where its at 

FairestOfThemAll: you know it

Apollo: Dammit there goes my idea

FairestOfThemAll: you can be the 2nd fairest 

Apollo: nah I’ll think of smth else

Artemis: if disney princesses are a theme…

**Artemis changed their name to** **Merida**

Merida: love how she gives no shits abt marriage

Merida: I wish I could recruit her to my hunters but alas she is fictional

Apollo: mood

Apollo: There’s so many fictional characters I’d hit if they were real

Apollo: Like Legolas and his cheekbones

Apollo: but alas I am forever alone 

**Apollo changed their name to AllBiMyself**

FairestOfThemAll: I can help fix that 

AllBiMyself: No u stay away from me woman

FairestOfThemAll: suit yourself 

wineaunt: damn I shouldve done smth gay

wineaunt: or smth abt drugs

gottagofast: hnngh weed

wineaunt: u get it

gottagofast: ATHENA!! U GOTTA DO ONE

Athena: I’m good with my name. 

gottagofast: unacceptable 

wineaunt: join us! join us!

AllBiMyself: It’s a right of passage 

GottaKillEmAll: urs should be nerd 

**Athena changed their name to SmartyPants**

SmartyPants: There. Happy now?

gottagofast: very 

GottaKillEmAll: wait I wanna change mine

**GottaKillEmAll changed their name to BiggusDiccus**

BobTheBuilder: no

BobTheBuilder: change it back

gottagofast: wow u gave up pkmn clout for that

BiggusDiccus: soldiers used to call me this! it was one of my titles!

wineaunt: yeah and one of mine was essentially cumlord but u don’t see me naming myself that 

wineaunt: wait maybe i should 

Merida: do NOT

Merida: y’all are nasty 

FairestOfThemAll: _@BiggusDiccus_ honey I have straps bigger 

wineaunt: OHHHH BURN

**BiggusDiccus changed their name to IHateItHere**

IHateItHere: 😡

AllBiMyself: at least it’s better than the other one 

gottagofast: rip my pokebro… he will be missed 😔✊

FairestOfThemAll: mwah <3 

wineaunt: wait wait i cant just breeze past the fact that Aphrodite uses straps on Ares

wineaunt: i thought he had too much toxic masculinity for that 

IHateItHere: HEY

BobTheBuilder: can we pls not talk abt this

Merida: seconded ^^

AllBiMyself: _@wineaunt_ why are u so surprised? We all know Ares is Aphrodite’s boy toy

IHateItHere: WHAT IS IT BULLY ARES DAY

SmartyPants: No.

SmartyPants: Those are on Thursdays.

IHateItHere: WOW

IHateItHere: Athena too? 

gottagofast: ATHENA IM SO PROUD OF U

SmartyPants: That’s what you get for wrecking my naval battle plan. 

IHateItHere: that was 20 years ago!

SmartyPants: I forgive, but I do not forget. 

FairestOfThemAll: aww poor baby are they bullying u

IHateItHere: IM NOT A BABY

FairestOfThemAll: but your my baby

IHateItHere: … yeah 

wineaunt: OHHH

AllBiMyself: TOLD U HE’S WHIPPED

IHateItHere: AT LEAST I DIDNT GET THE GIRL I LIKED TURNED INTO A TREE

gottagofast: ooh he went there

AllBiMyself: Now that’s just mean 

AllBiMyself: ALSO IT WAS YOUR SON’S FAULT FOR SHOOTING US WITH LOVE AND HATE ARROWS

Merida: U SHOULDNT HAVE CHASED HER PHOEBUS APOLLON

gottagofast: ooh she whipped out the full name

AllBiMyself: Sorry Artemis,,, that was stupid and I shouldn’t have done that 

Merida: good 

Merida: don’t give me a reason to hunt u for sport

SmartyPants: Now that Artemis is done beating “no means no” into Apollo… 

AllBiMyself: That was 2 thousand years ago! 

SmartyPants: May I ask why the other four Olympians are not in the chat?

gottagofast: bc they r either our dad our (step)mom or an aunt/uncle 

wineaunt: parental supervision is a buzz kill

wineaunt: besides we have enough of that just having added athena to the chat

gottagofast: yee and we also have mom friend apollo

AllBiMyself: I’m not the mom friend 

AllBiMyself: I just like to remind my family members to stay healthy and take care of themselves 

AllBiMyself: It’s my duty as the resident doctor 

gottagofast: aka the mom friend 

AllBiMyself: SHUT

IHateItHere: haha look who’s getting bullied now!

AllBiMyself: Next time you get injured you can patch yourself up Ares

IHateItHere: 😦

BobTheBuilder: why don’t you have any eyebrows in that emoji

gottagofast: pffft 

gottagofast: that actually gives me an idea 

IHateItHere: don't even think about it

gottagofast: too late ;)

gottagofast: better sleep with one eye open babe

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hermes is a gaymer and dragged Ares into it, Ares claims he likes the video games like call of duty and gta and such but really he’s Nintendo’s bitch (calling myself out with that one bc I am also Nintendo’s bitch)
> 
> Apollo is the mom friend fite me
> 
> Also Athena is the eldest daughter aka third parent 💀 (I say this as an eldest daughter) 
> 
> There will be lots of siblings shenanigans in this, mainly based on me and my brother’s own sibling shenanigans (and a little bit abt some of their romances sprinkled in, with Aphrodite/Ares and Dionysus/Ariadne and such) 
> 
> Hephaestus isn’t exactly comfy around Ares and Aphrodite acting all coupley, but he wants to be included lol so he stays in the gc
> 
> I am shoving as many brotps into this as I can, Apollo and Hermes, Hermes and Ares, Dionysus and Hephaestus, Apollo and Artemis, etc
> 
> For sexualities Apollo, Hermes, Dionysus, and Aphrodite are all Bi/Pan. Artemis and Athena are Ace. Hephaestus and Ares are on thin ice as the only straights.
> 
> I’ve been obsessed with Greek Mythology lately, thanks to playing Hades Game and finally finishing the TOA series. I’m working on some Hades Game fanfics and this chat fic is like a break from “actual writing” as well as one of my many wip procrastination tools lol. There’s no set posting schedule with this, but I have a lot of ideas for the silly shenagins the greek gods can all get up to in the gc so stay tuned!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: AllBiMyself  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: FairestOfThemAll  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

gottagofast: OHH I FORGOT

gottagofast: THE GC NEEDS A NAME

**gottagofast changed the chat name to Petty Bitches**

AllBiMyself: Yeah that fits

FairestOfThemAll: you forget the r

BobTheBuilder: I’m pretty sure he meant petty

SmartyPants: I feel the need to object. Unlike the rest of you I don’t make my decisions based on petty reasons.

**gottagofast changed the chat name to Petty Bitches and Athena**

SmartyPants: Thank you.

Merida: why not be petty? half of the things I do are out of spite

SmartyPants: This is why you’re a petty bitch.

Merida: >:0

wineaunt: did

wineaunt: did athena just curse 

IHateItHere: IF UR CURSING THEN U CANT SCOLD ME FOR CURSING ANYMORE

SmartyPants: You cursed in an official council meeting. This is a casual setting. Also I was only repeating the chat name, so technically I wasn’t actually cursing. 

Merida: u legit called me a petty bitch

SmartyPants: Yes, you are a part of that demographic. You just said so yourself. 

Merida: …

gottagofast: ok ladies let’s not get into a cat fight 

Merida: if u think that was a fight u have another thing coming 

SmartyPants: It wasn’t a fight. Also why call it a cat fight? The word fight on its own is sufficient. 

gottagofast: bc it sounds fun that way :((

wineaunt: hey you guys what’s the pettiest thing you’ve ever done? i did a lot of petty things so i’m gonna have to think abt it for a second lol

gottagofast: probably when i turned that guy to stone for snitching 

gottagofast: or when i turned that lady into a tortoise because she didn't want to come to a wedding i’d worked so hard on delivering invitations for 

gottagofast: when they say zeus and hera invited everyone they mean Everyone

FairestOfThemAll: I guess when I made all the women on an island stink because they neglected my shrines 

AllBiMyself: When me and Artemis sniped Niobe’s kids bc Niobe insulted our mom, if that counts as petty

AllBiMyself: Because that bitch deserved it after what she said about our mom

gottagofast: no one insults mama leto

AllBiMyslef: That’s right 😤

Merida: ooh yeah probably that for me too

Merida: or all the times I punished men who were acting creepy because of my anger at the society that allowed them to behave that way 

Merida: it’s better now but still… it’s not great 

AllBiMyself: I dunno if the Niobe thing counts as petty though so I’m gonna say that time I gave Midas donkey ears because he said Pan’s music was better than mine

AllBiMyself: Dude was majorly biased 

IHateItHere: Does waving around someone’s head on a pike count as petty?

SmartyPants: Depends on the reason.

IHateItHere: because i thought it was funny?

SmartyPants: I’m not even going to deign that with a response. 

SmartyPants: As for me I suppose my feud with Poseidon is petty, since it has been going on for so long; since I won Athens. 

BobTheBuilder: mine was when I trapped Hera on her throne for being a shit mother

wineaunt: yeah but i think hera had that one coming 

wineaunt: my pettiest moment was probably when i turned a nymph into a plant for trying to turn ariadne against me 

wineaunt: all because i refused her advances because i was wooing ariadne tsk tsk

gottagofast: she should’ve just waited until u guys were an item and had a 3some

wineaunt: yee while i am poly i waited until i had that conversation abt polyamory with ariandne before sleeping with other ppl

wineaunt: im forever relieved she was ok with it

wineaunt: my wife is so cool

AllBiMyself: Polyamory rules

AllBiMyself: Why be jealous when you can just check out hot people together?

wineaunt: IKR

gottagofast: u guys are truly big brained

gottagofast: if only hera and zeus were poly,, imagine all the trouble they’d save 

wineaunt: i wouldve had a childhood if that were the case 

Merida: childhood? don’t know her

SmartyPants: I grew up inside Zeus because he absorbed my mom. I was a bit gleeful at being able to give him such a splitting headache. 

IHateItHere: oh he was howling

IHateItHere: it was hilarious 

BobTheBuilder: I probably wouldn’t have been born if their relationship was in anyway healthy

BobTheBuilder: Hera literally created me out of spite 

BobTheBuilder: maybe that’s why I’m ugly

AllBiMyself: I get that psychological approach, but tbh it was most likely because she tried to do it all on her own really quickly

AllBiMyself: ur plummet as a baby also didn’t help matters 

wineaunt: HEY NONE OF THAT MY MAN HEPHAESTUS IS THE MOST TALENTED FUCKER I KNOW

AllBiMyself: Idk about most talented over all, since I exist, but your smithing is unparalleled

gottagofast: u make da best shiny things 

SmartyPants: Truly, the products of your forge are of the highest quality. There is a reason it is what you are the god of.

wineaunt: is he blushing? i feel like he is blushing

BobTheBuilder: a little 

wineaunt: WHOOP

wineaunt: my job here is done

gottagofast: but u didnt do anything 

wineaunt: *flicks tuxedo mask cape* bye

gottagofast: my baby bro is memeing im so proud T^T

FairestOfThemAll: i love sailor moon, all the girls in it are so cute 

FairestOfThemAll: Sailor Venus is obvs the best for reasons I don’t need to state 

IHateItHere: sailor mars is better but im not gonna get into this argument again 

Merida: you just like those two because they are named after u 

FairestOfThemAll: sounds like someone is jelly they didn’t get a sailor moon character named after them 

AllBiMyself: Or like,,, a planet 

AllBiMyself: Me, Artemis, Dionysus, and Athena are part of the no planet gang 

Athena: I have an asteroid belt 

AllBiMyself: I have NASA missions 

Merida: im fine just being a moon goddess 

Merida: unlike some people 

AllBiMyself: :p

wineaunt: who fucking cares abt planets? i just want my own sailor moon outfit 🥺

AllBiMyself: ooh me too!!

FairestOfThemAll: I have several, you boys come over and we can have a fashion show: sailor moon edition 

AllBiMyself: sick

wineaunt: im already at ur door

FairestOfThemAll: SAILOR MOON TIME FUCK YEAH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Distinguishing between petty and the gods being,,, gods was a bit difficult lol but I think I did a good job picking myths, except for Ares I just used some generic thing that probably happened with him. I’m lazy like that 
> 
> Dionysus be lifting his bro Hephaestus up. He won’t take any slander against him. I think it’s cool how in the myths Dionysus is the one who is able to convince Hephaestus to let Hera go just by hanging out with him and being his friend (and the wine helped too lol)
> 
> I know these are the Greek gods but they also had p similar Roman versions of themself and I feel those with planets in our solar system would be very pleased about that lmao. Ares watches Sailor Moon with Aphrodite. Aphrodite keeps trying to get him to dress up as Sailor Mars but has yet to be successful. One day ✊
> 
> Dionysus and Apollo are portrayed as effeminate in the myths and them and Aphrodite are 100% shopping buddies. Even if Apollo and Aphrodite cast judgmental looks about all the leopard print Dionysus wears lmao 
> 
> Btw what do y’all think about the chat name and their nicknames? Am I clever or basic lol
> 
> If you have any ideas for what they should talk about in the next part feel free to leave your thoughts down below in the comments <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: AllBiMyself  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: FairestOfThemAll  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

SmartyPants: Some mortal man just tried to tell me Hercules was Zeus’ only son.

SmartyPants: His source was the Disney Movie Hercules. 

gottagofast: bruh itd be easier to name the sons zeus didnt have lmao

wineaunt: that movie is so wrong on so many levels

wineaunt: like it had hercules as a son of zeus AND HERA

gottagofast: ig they were trying to keep it kid friendly 

gottagofast: no cheating on disney channel

AllBiMyself: Also Hercules wasn't some himbo

AllBiMyself: He had huge anger management problems

AllBiMyself: He attacked one of my priestesses because she gave him a prophecy he didn’t like! 

AllBiMyself: If you come to Delphi for a prophecy don’t get upset when you don’t like what it is

Merida: all that after we so graciously let him temporarily capture my hind smh

AllBiMyself: Zeus should’ve let us keep fighting I would’ve kicked his ass

SmartyPants: It’s a good thing father interfered. Nothing good would have come from that fight. 

AllBiMyself: Whatever 

AllBiMyself: Also why the fuck did that movie make me look like that

**AllBiMyself sent an image**

gottagofast: ur build tho

gottagofast: waist snatched 

wineaunt: a true hourglass figure 

wineaunt: also you know why apollo

AllBiMyself: Ugh I’m so tired of modern media making me a buff manly man

AllBiMyself: I AM LITHE

AllBiMyself: I AM BEAUTIFUL

AllBiMyself: I WEAR DRESSES AND JEWELRY AND I LOOK HELLA GOOD DOING IT 

IHateItHere: u think urs is bad?

**IHateItHere sent an image**

IHateItHere: I look like a fat racist middle aged man who sits in a recliner all day and beats his wife and kids when he’s been drinking

wineaunt: pffft

gottagofast: that’s very descriptive 

AllBiMyself: The big long nose does point to racism lol

IHateItHere: like I’m fine with beards but why that one

IHateItHere: it looks like smth that should be on santa claus

SmartyPants: I’m sensing you have a lot of repressed anger about your depiction in this movie.

IHateItHere: yeah no shit

FairestOfThemAll: I’m ok with mine, even if I look too 2D for my tastes 

SmartyPants: It’s an animated movie. 

FairestOfThemAll: and?

SmartyPants: ...

gottagofast: what abt u athena do u like ur hercules design?

SmartyPants: I am indifferent. 

wineaunt: _@gottagofast_ urs makes u look like a used car salesman

**wineaunt sent an image**

wineaunt: or like one of those guys that goes door to door selling vacuums

gottagofast: i wear that description like a badge of honor 

Merida: i’m alright with their design of me

Merida: idk why i have leaves in my hair tho

AllBiMyself: Nah that part is accurate 

Merida: I LOST MY HAIRBRUSH OK

Merida: My hair isn’t normally full of leaves 

FairestOfThemAll: You own a hairbrush?

Merida: this is why I want to chop my hair off

BobTheBuilder: then why don’t you? 

Merida: long hair is easier to braid 

Merida: short hair gets all in ur face because u can’t tie it back and out of the way

AllBiMyself: Your long hair looks good 

AllBiMyself: It’s nothing compared to mine since I actually take care of my hair 

AllBiMyself: But we both share mom’s pretty hair genes so there’s that 

wineaunt: us greek gods get screwed over by modern interpretations a lot 

IHateItHere: im still mad about the wonder woman movie

IHateItHere: they made me the villain!

IHateItHere: IM THE FUCKING PATRON GOD OF THE AMAZONS

FairestOfThemAll: there there 

gottagofast: it is tiring when people always make either you or hades the bad guy 

IHateItHere: RIGHT??

FairestOfThemAll: have any of you read the book lovely war? because I love my interpretation in it 

Merida: you can read?

wineaunt: pffft

wineaunt: that was the counter punch to the hairbrush comment 

FairestOfThemAll: YES I CAN READ 

FairestOfThemAll: I’m not some illiterate peasant 

AllBiMyself: _@FairestOfThemAll_ I have! I heard I was in it so I read it and I really liked it

AllBiMyself: The love stories were so cute

FairestOfThemAll: IKR UGH THEY WERE SO HEART WRENCHING

FairestOfThemAll: some of the best love stories are born in times of war 

IHateItHere: that’s why we work

IHateIrHere: love and war 

AllBiMyself: It is very poetic 

gottagofast: have any of you guys played the hades game? because we were all so sexy in it

gottagofast: it’s hilarious how it implies i’m boning charon

Merida: i haven’t played it but I’ve heard of it

Merida: finally a design of myself i actually like 

Merida: maybe i should dye my hair green

wineaunt: @gottagofast IT WHAT

gottagofast: AKDHAKHS YEAH IM CRYING

gottagofast: i’ve shown charon some of the fanart, he’s not amused lmao

wineaunt: now I gotta look this up

wineaunt: HOLY SHIT I LOOK HOT 

wineaunt: my thick thighs be saving lives 

FairestOfThemAll: I look gorgeous of course 

gottagofast: and buck naked heh

FairestOfThemAll: why cover up perfection?

SmartyPants: I do like my look in that game. It’s very well done. 

IHateItHere: mine is a little too skinny for my taste but its way better than wonder woman and hercules

wineaunt: I love how the voice actor makes me sound like a stoner lol

gottagofast: very on brand 

AllBiMyself: I’m not in it 😭😭 this is a fucking crime

BobTheBuilder: neither am I 

AllBiMyself: Yeah but I’m sexy and important 

gottagofast: _@AllBiMyself_ I know it’s a travesty, but there are a lot of cool designs people have been making of you in the hades game style

gottagofast: so there’s that 

AllBiMyself: You know what design of me I love? The one in that Blood of Zeus show 

AllBiMyself: I actually have long hair in that one 

AllBiMyself: And I look gorgeous 

gottagofast: I look so good in blood of zeus

gottagofast: I want that shiny cape

AllBiMyself: And they included my bisexuality 

gottagofast: oh yeah i remember that

gottagofast: you started shrieking when you saw they had hyacinthus in there 

AllBiMyself: I’m so happy they included him ;-;

AllBiMyself: Most people don’t know I resurrected him and brought him to Olympus 

Merida: yeah after you cried for months and dad got sick of ur moping 

Merida: he called me up and was like sweetie take aphrodite and athena and go to the underworld to get your brother’s boyfriend so he’ll stop being depressed and actually do his job 

AllBiMyself: I WAS IN MOURNING

AllBiMyself: You guys were all so insensitive 

AllBiMyself: Come out of your room Apollo, some fresh air will do you some good Apollo, get back to work Apollo

AllBiMyself: Like I’d just be depressed outside??

wineaunt: rip our mental health 

SmartyPants: Dionysus you are the god of mental health.

wineaunt: yeah so i would know 

wineaunt: we’re all fucked 

wineaunt: and we need therapy 

gottagofast: probably 

gottagofast: but aint nobody got time for that

wineaunt: 😔✊

SmartyPants: You two shouldn’t be joking about that. 

gottagofast: i joke to cope leave me be ;-;

wineaunt: never said I was the god of Good mental health

AllBiMyself: This is why I’m the doctor 

gottagofast: what’s ur diagnosis?

AllBiMyself: I prescribe lots of hugs and snuggles

wineaunt: cuddle pile at my place!! 

SmartyPants: I suppose that’s as good as we’re going to get.

Merida: pat pat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the chapter was based off that one tumblr post that I could only find on Pinterest because the original poster had deleted their account rip https://pin.it/72RphLu
> 
> Also I put “[name] sent an image” because I was too lazy to actually figure out how to insert images in an Ao3 fic. Just look up the gods in the Hercules movie if you want to see what they look like beyond my fics descriptions. 
> 
> This chap was basically just them either bitching or fawning (mostly bitching) over their depictions in modern media. Apollo does not like Hercules (or the movie) but he has to admit “won’t say I’m in love” slaps. Especially since the muses love it. He calls Ares whipped when he’s just as whipped lmao 
> 
> I’ve only really mentioned the medias I’m the most knowledgeable about. I’ve seen those movies, seen that show, read that book, played that game, etc. I didn’t mention pjo bc I just didn’t feel like it lol.
> 
> Yes I’m including Apollo x Hyacinthus. The myth of his resurrection is largely unknown because it wasn’t a written poem or story. We know about it because of the Spartan Hyacinthia festival. I’m just happy my boys got a happy ending. 
> 
> Can you tell I have favoritism with certain gods? I try to have all 8 of them talk at least a few times in each chapter but it’s difficult trying to include them all in certain conversations, especially when I feel like it would be IC of them to say smth in that moment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: AllBiMyself  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: FairestOfThemAll  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

wineaunt: its wife loving hours 

**wineaunt sent an image**

wineaunt: SHES SO CUTE I CANT AKDHLAHS

TheFairestOfThemAll: aww

AllBiMyself: Can it also be loving ur bf and 9 gfs hours?

wineaunt: ofc

gottagofast: i still don’t understand how apollo can have 10 significant others all at once

gottagofast: that sounds like a lot of work

AllBiMyself: Me and the muses are more of a casual thing 

AllBiMyself: And our relationship is very open

AllBiMyself: So there’s no stress unless one of them is upset about something 

gottagofast: what abt hyacinthus?

AllBiMyself: He’s great 

Merida: i want yall to know apollo dreamy sighed when he typed that

AllBiMyself: Why you gotta expose me like that 

FairestOfThemAll: i’m so happy everything worked out for you two! dionysus/ariadne and apollo/hyacinthus are tied for the second cutest couple on olympus

FairestOfThemAll: the first ofc being me and ares

IHateItHere: HA! we win!

wineaunt: that ranking system is biased

wineaunt: me and ariadne are obvs the best 

FairestOfThemAll: you wanna go? 

FairestOfThemAll: i will smack ur cheeky ass with my slipper don’t test me

wineaunt: kinky

gottagofast: kinky

Merida: how did I know both of you would say that?

wineaunt: YOOO

gottagofast: WE IN SYNC

wineaunt: our minds 

gottagofast: be connected 

Merida: yall are horrible

SmartyPants: They’re sharing the same single brain cell. 

gottagofast: YOOO ATHENA MEMED US

wineaunt: i think i’m in shock

BobTheBuilder: I’d like to add that Aglaea is also cute

FairestOfThemAll: I’m glad you found someone

BobTheBuilder: Thanks 

IHateItHere: yeah someone that actually likes you lmaooo

wineaunt: ares cmon man 

wineaunt: dont be mean

gottagofast: good vibes only

IHateItHere: whatever 

AllBiMyself: Aphrodite with her slipper is like the beware la chancla stuff 

IHateItHere: oh yeah shed smack eros with it all the time 

FairestOfThemAll: that child… 

FairestOfThemAll: i love him but he can be a real pain in the ass sometimes 

AllBiMyself: He’s a spiteful twink

gottagofast: i love how theres legit statues and shit of u threatening eros with the wrath of ur slipper

gottagofast: its so fucking funny

FairestOfThemAll: i blame his thirst for chaos on ares

IHateItHere: HEY

IHateItHere: wait that is probably my fault 

IHateItHere: nvm

wineaunt: ares all ur children are p bloodthirsty

IHateItHere: i know im so proud 

SmartyPants: The gods’ children do tend to take after them in some way or another. Most of Apollo’s kids are musicians or healers or prophets. The Erotes are mostly made up of Aphrodite’s children. Almost every king in Ancient Greece was a son of Zeus. Do I need to go on?

AllBiMyself: My children are so talented 

AllBiMyself: Two of my demigod children became gods because of their skills

Merida: you have so many children it’s hard to keep track 

Merida: u have almost as many as dad

AllBiMyself: I’m not THAT bad

AllBiMyself: Hermes has a bunch too!

gottagofast: wow u really gonna throw me under the bus like that? 

AllBiMyself: You say that like it’s not true 

AllBiMyself: You had as many children as I did, mine were just more famous so they were better documented 

Merida: yall are both sluts

gottagofast: >:0

AllBiMyself: RUDE

SmartyPants: Do you not use protection? Because if most of your kids are accidents it can prevent that. 

AllBiMyself: I love my kids!

AllBiMyself: They’re happy little accidents

gottagofast: im a fertility god so half the time mortal means of procreation protection doesnt work :((

wineaunt:  _ @AllBiMyself _ WAS THAT A FUCKING BOB ROSS QUOTE

AllBiMyself: YOU BET UR ASS IT WAS

wineaunt: i probably have a lot more kids i just dont know bc i wake up next to people i dont remember A Lot

FairestOfThemAll: that’s why you shouldn’t have drunk sex

FairestOfThemAll: it’s so sloppy

wineaunt: then call me a pig

wineaunt: oink oink

gottagofast: AKDKGSKF

gottagofast: DIO IM CRYING

Merida: “oink oink” smh 

AllBiMyself: This man I can’t 

BobTheBuilder: You have no pride I swear

wineaunt: none whatsoever 

wineaunt: im just living my best life

BobTheBuilder: Is that what you call me finding you passed out in a fountain?

SmartyPants: What? When did this happen?

wineaunt: BRO!! 

BobTheBuilder: a few weeks ago in a shopping mall

wineaunt: so this is what betrayal feels like

AllBiMyself: Dionysus! 

AllBiMyself: Public fountains are so unsanitary 

AllBiMyself: They’re almost as bad as water parks

wineaunt: i was fine my face was out of the water

gottagofast: did people throw coins at you? because that could technically count as offerings lol

Merida: the way apollo screamed when hermes jumped into that lazy river lmao

gottagofast: oh yeah i remember that 

gottagofast: it was so fucking funny 

AllBiMyself: THOSE THINGS ARE CESSPOOLS OF GERMS

gottagofast: IDC THEYRE FUN

gottagofast: i didnt get to go down the water slide because apollo made us leave ;-;

IHateItHere: i snuck back in

IHateItHere: i refuse to let that wave pool beat me

AllBiMyself: Don’t come crying to me when you get all kinds of sick 

IHateItHere: i’m a god i don’t get sick 

AllBiMyself: You willing to make that bet?

wineaunt: dont do it ares,, apollo will make u get sick just to teach u a lesson

wineaunt: one time he gave me the world’s worst hangover 

wineaunt: i spent days in the bathroom 

wineaunt: the toilet seat was my pillow

BobTheBuilder: C’mon Dionysus be rational, Ares isn’t gonna wimp out of a bet

IHateItHere: Why do I feel like this is a trap

FairestOfThemAll: because it is

FairestOfThemAll: don’t do it sweetheart

FairestOfThemAll: no pussy for u if ur sick

IHateItHere: damn now i can’t do it

IHateItHere: i can’t take that chance apollo 

AllBiMyself: the chance of getting sick or having no pussy?

IHateItHere: yes 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dionysus is a “I love my wife” husband and I will take no objections. The picture was of a half asleep Ariadne all cuddled up in a blanket on the couch. 
> 
> I’ve been wanting to include poly Apollo. He has a more casual relationship with the muses and their relationship is more about their shared passion for the arts then sexy times. Apollo and Hyacinthus still got it bad for each other 2 thousand years later. They’re not married because neither of them ever wanted to get married, but they’re basically an old married couple lol. 
> 
> With Ares and Aphrodite they have an open relationship. Aphrodite doesn’t want to be tied down or for her love to be limited so marriage never really worked for her. Ares is fine with her having other lovers, he only gets jelly if he thinks she prefers them over him (like with Adonis)
> 
> Most people don’t know (or don’t acknowledge) this but Hephaestus got remarried to Aglaea (one of the charities) and it worked out really well. So Hephaestus got a happy ending! 
> 
> The statues of Aphrodite threatening Eros with a slipper are 100% real I’m not making it up. Look them up they’re hilarious 
> 
> Apollo and Eros do Not get along lmao. Apollo still hasn’t forgiven him for the Daphne thing (and the sheltering zephyr thing) 
> 
> The gods love their children fight me. Besides Zeus and Poseidon, Apollo and Hermes had the most kids out of the gods. They take after their dad lmao. Hermes is a fertility god but Apollo has no excuse. He’s a bi disaster. 
> 
> Rip all the situations Dionysus gets himself into while drunk. The others are resigned to it by now lol. They have an app that’s like find my iPhone but it’s find Dionysus’ drunk ass
> 
> Apollo detests water parks with a passion. And he’s right, they’re so unsanitary. But Hermes is also right, they are fun
> 
> Thanks for reading! And thank you to the people who commented on previous chapters! Comments are my lifeblood


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: AllBiMyself  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: FairestOfThemAll  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

FairestOfThemAll: I just realized something 

FairestOfThemAll: _@AllBiMyself_ why is your name AllBiMyself when you have a boyfriend 

AllBiMyself: Because of the Bi pun

AllBiMyself: Also Ares’ name is IHateItHere when we all know he secretly loves us

IHateItHere: I DO NOT

IHateItHere: I HATE YOU ALL

FairestOfThemAll: 🥺

IHateItHere: except for you dollface

gottagofast: DOLLFACE??

IHateItHere: what about it?

gottagofast: its just so… soft

IHateItHere: IM NOT SOFT

wineaunt: u kinda are 

wineaunt: with aphrodite at least

wineaunt: its sweet

IHateItHere: I hate it here

SmartPants: We know. 

gottagofast: _@AllBiMyself_ aphrodite is right ur nickname doesnt fit bc u have a bf 

BobTheBuilder: tbh I forgot about him

FairestOfThemAll: ofc u did

FairestOfThemAll: apollo hides him away from all of us :(

AllBiMyself: Yeah to keep your claws out of him 

Merida: zephyr emotionally scarred him 

AllBiMyself: Hyacinth gets nervous about running into him on Olympus

AllBiMyself: But he likes Hyperborea so he stays there unless he’s visiting me here

wineaunt: make sense 

AllBiMyself: @ _FairestOfThemAll @gottagofast_ I’m technically bimyself bc I’m always missing him when we’re apart 

FairestOfThemAll: aww that’s so cute!!

gottagofast: and kinda pathetic 

AllBiMyself: SAYS MR FOREVER ALONE 

gottagofast: FUCK U I DO JUST FINE

AllBiMyself: maybe I should give you my title 

**AllBiMyself changed their name to Mr.Brightside**

Mr.Brightside: There now u can have my old one

gottagofast: i like my nickname thank u very much!

Mr.Brightside: You’re really married to the sonic thing, huh? 

gottagofast: SONIC IS DA BEST

Merida: _@Mr.Brightside_ i still want to kill zephyr for what he did to you and hyacinth

Mr.Brightside: Same

Mr.Brightside: But nooo dad won’t let me

SmartyPants: Zephyr is a god too, you two do realize that while you could beat him in a fight, ultimately you couldn’t kill him, right? 

Mr.Brightside: I could still make him a pin cushion 

Merida: or a porcupine

Mr.Brightside: ^^

SmartyPants: While father understands your anger, he can’t do anything about Zephyr’s actions without jeopardizing his relationship with the wind gods. Besides isn't Zephyr already punished enough? He’s bound to Eros in eternal servitude. 

Mr.Brightside: In exchange for Eros’ protection. That’s not punishment, that's a deal. 

Merida: we want blood

IHateItHere: BLOOD

Mr.Brightside: But we can’t have it because zephyr is a BITCH ASS COWARD

wineaunt: and a fucking yandere

gottagofast: omg he is a yandere

gottagofast: im gonna call him that next time i see him

Mr.Brightside: pls film it if u do

gottagofast: 👌

Merida: this is why I don’t do romantic love

Merida: too messy

FairestOfThemAll: the messy stuff is the best part! 

wineaunt: shes right 

wineaunt: i live for the drama 

wineaunt: but not when its with me only when its other people 

gottagofast: mood 

gottagofast: its more fun watching from the sidelines and eating popcorn 

FairestOfThemAll: romance is the best entertainment 

FairestOfThemAll: and despite what a certain cretin may think i actually read frequently 

IHateItHere: its true she has whole bookshelves full of romance novels 

IHateItHere: and a bunch of fanfic tabs open on her phone 

FairestOfThemAll: fanfic writers are underappreciated 

FairestOfThemAll: they give the gays everything they want 

Mr.Brightside: AYY I READ GAY FANFIC TOO

FairestOfThemAll: YASSS GURL

Mr.Brightside: They sent Castiel to super hell so I’m reading a lot of fix-it fics 

Mr.Brightside: Dean Winchester is Bi fight me 

FairestOfThemAll: they’re married bc i say so

wineaunt: i still cant believe they didnt just bury their gays, but sent them to super hell 

FairestOfThemAll: christians smh

Merida: im still pissed about the episode where they had me be in love with a guy 

Merida: like if they needed a plot reason for someone to disobey zeus for a boy apollo was right there 

Mr.Brightside: I totally would 

Mr.Brightside: I actually have 

SmartyPants: That doesn't surprise me.

Merida: me neither 

Mr.Brightside: I’m weak for cute boys 

Mr.Brightside: And cute girls 

Mr.Brightside: Being bisexual is just constantly being like ooh she’s hot and ah he’s hot and oh they’re hot

Mr.Brightside: It can be very distressing 

gottagofast: rip apollos blood pressure 

Merida: why be attracted to people when you can shoot them or shoot other things with them

IHateItHere: violence together is the ultimate bonding activity 

IHateItHere: its why people in the military are so loyal to each other 

Mr.Brightside: And because a lot of them are gay and sleeping together 

Mr.Brightside: Just look at Thebes

FairestOfThemAll: thebes really said “you fight better better when trying to impress/protect your lover” and they were so right 

IHateItHere: they were a very strong fighting force 

SmartyPants: That’s an understatement. They were the only people in record to have ever bested the Spartans. 

gottagofast: all because of the power of gay

wineaunt: never underestimate gay power 

wineaunt: or you will be destroyed

Merida: or ace power 

wineaunt: OR ACE POWER

Mr.Brightside: queers unite ✊

BobTheBuilder: What if you’re not queer?

IHateItHere: ^^

gottagofast: Hephaestus, Ares, ur on thin ice as the only straights, but u can stay

Merida: for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ares is soft boi for Aphrodite fite me
> 
> Hyperborea is the land of enteral spring and Hyacinthus having been a flower it’s poetic he’d stay in a place where he’s forever in bloom (in this house we say fuck zephyr, bitch ass yandere)
> 
> I had to change Apollo’s nickname to that once I thought of it. It’s two puns in one. 
> 
> Pls bully Hermes about his love for sonic everyone else does
> 
> Dionysus and Aphrodite are me being a slut for drama but not liking it when it involves them personally lol
> 
> Aphrodite loves fanfic because I say so (also her weaving people’s love stories is kinda like her own version of fanfic, so fanfic writer Aphrodite canon)
> 
> I’ve been out of the spn fandom for years but I was still annoyed when I heard they sent Cas to super hell after he confessed his gay love to Dean. Fuck that they’re married. Aphrodite and I say so
> 
> Thebes really said gay rights and I love them for that. Never underestimate queer power ✊
> 
> Any suggestions for what I should have them talk about in the next part? If you have any pls leave them down below in the comments


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: FairestOfThemAll  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

FairestOfThemAll: did i ever tell you all about ares’ reaction when he first saw me peel off my fake eyelashes

FairestOfThemAll: he was so concerned lmao

gottagofast: NO

gottagofast: TELL US

IHateItHere: babe!

FairestOfThemAll: he was like did that hurt? do you still have eyelashes? what do you mean you GLUE them on?

wineaunt: PFFFT

wineaunt: ARES HAVE U NEVER HEARD OF GLUEING THEM ON

IHateItHere: NOT BEFORE THAT

wineaunt: bruh me and apollo wear them all the time when we go to drag shows 

wineaunt: did you think those were real??

IHateItHere: i just thought u used ur powers or smth

Mr.Brightside: Doing your own makeup is half the fun!

FairestOfThemAll: its so fun!! 

FairestOfThemAll: i love styling new looks, its like picking out outfits 

IHateItHere: it did unnerve me at first that u seemed to wear a new face everyday, but now i know its just you being you 

gottagofast: AWWW

Mr.Brightside: Damn Ares maybe you should be the god of poetry that was sweet as fuck

FairestOfThemAll: he’s a secret romantic 

FairestOfThemAll: i love my man

BobTheBuilder: Is anyone else not able to believe what they’re seeing? Did someone steal Ares’ phone? Was he possessed? 

IHateItHere: FUCK YOU

gottagofast: he’s such a tsundere 

FairestOfThemAll: ikr? 

FairestOfThemAll: i think all the shojo anime im “making” him watch is rubbing off on him 

Merida: does anyone else want to gag? 

BobTheBuilder: Me 

BobTheBuilder: My brother has most likely been abducted by aliens and replaced by another alien in an Ares suit 

SmartyPants: That is statistically improbable. 

BobTheBuilder: You don’t know what I saw in Area 51

gottagofast: if we naruto run we can dodge bullets 

gottagofast: they cant stop us all

SmartyPants: Yes they can.

SmartyPants: Don’t be stupid. 

Merida: did you actually go to the Area 51 raid?

gottagofast: no :((

gottagofast: zeus had a stupid meeting that couldnt be rescheduled that day 

gottagofast: but i was with them in spirit

BobTheBuilder: I hacked into their systems 

BobTheBuilder: I have a file on them if you want to read it

gottagofast: r there pictures?

gottagofast: bc i lose interest fast if there arent pictures 

BobTheBuilder: A few 

SmartyPants: Hermes you’re the god of languages, I’m sure you can read a text regardless of whether it has pictures or not.

gottagofast: just bc i can doesn’t mean i want to

Mr.Brightside: Conspiracy theories aside... 

BobTheBuilder: They’re not conspiracies they’re real!

Mr.Brightside: Uh huh

Mr.Brightside: I kinda want to see Ares try to do Aphrodie’s makeup like one of those my bf does my makeup videos on YouTube

FairestOfThemAll: oh no

FairestOfThemAll: that would not turn out well

IHateItHere: ive put on war paint so i think i would do ok

FairestOfThemAll: war paint and makeup are two very different things hun

wineaunt: i bet he would make u look like a bratz doll lol

Merida: aphrodite is gonna have a clown face 

BobTheBuilder: This will go horribly

BobTheBuilder: I’ll get a camera 

gottagofast: do it! do it! do it!

FairestOfThemAll: i might do it

FairestOfThemAll: on the condition that apollo has to do the same thing with hyacinth

gottagofast: ooh a twist!

Mr.Brightside: Ok sure

Mr.Brightside: Hyacinth might be Spartan but he’s not as bad as Ares 

Mr.Brightside: He actually knows what mascara and lipstick is

IHateItHere: i know what lipstick is! 

wineaunt: you only know that because aphrodite covers ur face and collar in lipstick marks 

wineaunt: its like her way of laying a claim on u lmao

gottagofast: lipstick marks, the new hickies 

gottagofast: maybe its a love bite, maybe its maybelline 

FairestOfThemAll: omg im stealing that 

**FairestOfThemAll changed their name to maybeitsmaybelline**

Mr.Brightside: Damn she just stole from THE thief

gottagofast: im so proud 

maybeitsmaybelline: idk what you all are talking about ive been stealing other peoples men since day one 

Merida: aphrodite did steal hermes’ gf that one time 

gottagofast: why u gotta bring that up? 

Merida: it made me laugh 

maybeitsmaybelline: dw sweetie i took real good care of her ;)

gottagofast: idk whether to be upset or turned on

Merida: yall are gross

Mr.Brightside: You guys should’ve seen Artemis’ face when I told her me and Aphrodite were sharing Adonis 

Mr.Brightside: It was hilarious 

Merida: there i was, relieved that my brother hadn't slept with aphrodite like every other male god on olympus 

Merida: then he strolls up to me and tells me, all proud of himself, how he got with aphrodite’s bf 

Merida: and now they’re sharing him

Mr.Brightside: 🤘

Merida: bitch disgusting

maybeitsmaybelline: usually i don't like to share but i made an exception since it was apollo

gottagofast: i did too 

Mr.Brightside: Why wouldn’t you? I’m gorgeous 

wineaunt: you guys should just come to my orgies you would be real popular 

wineaunt: esp aphrodite and apollo

gottagofast: wow so im just chopped liver

wineaunt: sorry dude 

wineaunt: but ur not the goddess of beauty or apollo

Merida: yall really need to stop inflating apollos ego

Merida: his head is big enough as it is

IHateItHere: why does everyone think adonis was hot shit? 

gottagofast: because he was hot shit

wineaunt: total eye candy 

wineaunt: I wouldve slept with him too

gottagofast: same 

SmartyPants: Why do we always end up talking about sex in here?

Mr.Brightside: because 75% of us actually experience sexual attraction 

Merida: sounds fake 

SmartyPants: I know it exists, but I never truly understood it. 

SmartyPants: Or why people think about sex all the time.

maybeitsmaybelline: well what do u think about all the time? 

SmartyPants: politics

Merida: food 

Merida: specifically girl scout cookies i've been craving them lately

gottagofast: ooh me too! 

gottagofast: i bought 70 boxes from some girls outside of a grocery store 

Mr.Brightside: I bet those Girl Scouts were real happy 

gottagofast: they were lol

Merida: do you have thin mints 

gottagofast: ofc 

Merida: can i have some

gottagofast: sure

gottagofast: for a price

Merida: wow

wineaunt: now thats just cold 

gottagofast: its simple business practice artemis

gottagofast: nothing personal

Merida: feels personal 

gottagofast: 😘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fake eyelashes thing is inspired by this video, if you haven’t seen it already do urself a favor and watch it, it’s hilarious and adorable https://twitter.com/reagskurp/status/919687600348131329?s=21 
> 
> Dionysus and Apollo are both gnc as fuck and we love them for it
> 
> I am once again on my campaign about how soft Ares is for Aphrodite, get used to it because it is going to be a recurring theme 
> 
> Hephaestus knows what’s in Area 51, be happy you don’t 
> 
> Hermes would totally do the naruto run (he’s already naruto runned into my heart)
> 
> I can confirm the make up thing did not go well, Hyaicnthus did a better job than Ares but both of their partners ended up looking like bratz dolls
> 
> I changed Aphrodite’s name bc I thought of it later and it was too perfect and meme-y for me not to use it
> 
> Aphrodite has slept with Hephaestus, Ares, Hermes, Dionysus, and Poseidon (but not Zeus, probs bc Hera kept too close an eye on him around her lol)
> 
> The Adonis things is real btw, the myth says that Adonis acted as a man when with Aphrodite and as a woman with Apollo. Genderfluid Adonis rights 
> 
> Adonis must’ve been smoking because almost every god wanted to get with him (so much that ares ended up killing him bc of jellysea)
> 
> Artemis and Athena and ace and do not understand why their fellow Olympians always have their minds one dive away from the gutter 
> 
> I was actually a Girl Scout when I was little and a friend of my dad’s bought 70 boxes and I was ecstatic, I know thin mints are the most popular but tbh I like peanut butter patties the most. Comment ur favorite type of Girl Scout cookie down below <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

gottagofast: relationship with google ended

gottagofast: bing is now my best friend 

BobTheBuilder: Bing?? Why?

gottagofast: google is bullying me

SmartyPants: I somehow doubt that.

SmartyPants: How has the Google search engine slighted you? 

gottagofast: IT AUTOCORRECTED MY NAME TO FUCKING HERPES

wineaunt: pffft

IHateItHere: HAHAHAHA

maybeitsmaybelline: herpes? as in genital herpes?

Merida: bruh

Mr.Brightside: Herpes what have you been googling?

Mr.Brightside: I mean *Hermes

gottagofast: THIS IS CYBERBULLYING

SmartyPants: That’s what you get for not using protection. 

gottagofast: I DO NOT HAVE HERPES

Mr.Brightside: You sure? Because I can refer you to a doctor that specializes in STDs

Merida: oh gods how many people do you think hermes has spread it too?

maybeitsmaybelline: dozens probably, maybe hundreds 

gottagofast: i hate this fucking family 

SmartyPants: If you didn’t want us to make fun of you why did you tell us? 

gottagofast: i may have not thought things thru

SmartyPants: That much is obvious.

IHateItHere: do you have warts?

wineaunt: have you been eating crab?

Mr.Brightside: Guys leave him alone

gottagofast: thank u

Mr.Brightside: It’s a serious medical condition 

gottagofast: I DO NOT HAVE HERPES GOOGLE JUST AUTOCORRECTED MY NAME

BobTheBuilder: Are you sure though? Don’t you have to take a test 

Merida: honestly with how much yall sleep around i'm surprised one of you hasn’t had this happen to u before 

gottagofast: i don’t like this group chat anymore >:((

gottagofast: if it happened to anyone it’d be dad with all the mistresses he has

gottagofast: or apollo since he sleeps with men the most (out of the male gods) and a lot of gay guys think protection is only for pregnancy 

Mr.Brightside: I DON'T

Mr.Brightside: I'M A DOCTOR I STAY SAFE

gottagofast: oh yeah?? then how do u explain all ur happy little accidents hmm?

Mr.Brightside: I CHECK IF MY SEXUAL PARTNERS ARE CLEAN

Mr.Brightside: Unlike mr gottagofast here

wineaunt: oh snap

gottagofast: u better not be insinuating what i think ur insinuating 

maybeitsmaybelline: this fight is getting good 🍿

Mr.Brightside: Maybe I am maybe I’m not 

Mr.Brightside: Also I’m not the dumbass who asked if you can eat a condom 

Mr.Brightside: Idc if it’s strawberry flavored you can’t eat it, you’d choke on it like a seagull

gottagofast: IT WAS AN HONEST QUESTION

wineaunt: can u lick them tho?

Mr.Brightside: I wouldn’t recommend it

wineaunt: thats not a no

gottagofast: its not 👀

Mr.Brightside: If you choke that’s on u

gottagofast: bold of u to assume we wouldn’t be into that 

SmartyPants: Please refrain from injuring yourself doing weird sex things. It’d be inconvenient.

Mr.Brightside: You heard her

wineaunt: I make no promises 

wineaunt: but getting hurt beyond what u want ruins fun times so i will be more careful 

Mr.Brightside: Hermes

gottagofast: :3

Mr.Brightside: Why do I even bother?

Merida: moving on… 

Merida: i found a stray dog 

**Merida sent an image**

BobTheBuilder: aww cute

gottagofast: that wittle tail 🥺

IHateItHere: a good boy

Merida: She is not a boy

IHateItHere: a good girl 

Mr.Brightside: Are you adopting another dog? You already have like 20

Merida: i RESCUE strays and bring them to animal shelters 

Merida: the ones i keep are hunting dogs 

Mr.Brightside: Chihuahuas count as hunting dogs?

Merida: no

Merida: scraps is an attack dog

Mr.Brightside: My mistake 

gottagofast: nah man chihuahuas are vicious 

gottagofast: i swear they spawn from typhon or smth 

Merida: i once watched scraps launch himself at a fucking wolf

Merida: zero hesitation 

Merida: i had to shoot the damn beast to keep it from killing him

Mr.Brightside: That Chihuahua is a menace

Mr.Brightside: He chewed up my favorite boots!

Merida: who cares 

Merida: those boots were too slutty anyhow

Mr.Brightside: Don't you judge me woman! They were for clubbing

Merida: whatever 

Merida: she’s been named ziti btw

Mr.Brightside: Why do you always name ur dogs after food?

Merida: it’s tradition 

gottagofast: bc artemis is always hungry 

Merida: also that

wineaunt: you should name your next dog brownie 

Merida: that’s cute 

Merida: it’s also like how a certain faction of girl scouts are called brownies 

wineaunt: oh right

wineaunt: that

Merida: what

gottagofast: he meant like after weed brownies lmao

Merida: i’m never taking suggestions from you guys ever again 

wineaunt: thats probably for the best

SmartyPants: Are you going to adopt Ziti into your hunting dogs? Irish Setters are one of the best types of hunting dogs 

Merida: we’ll see

Merida: i gotta make sure she doesn’t have an owner first, even if she doesn’t have collar 

SmartyPants: If she doesn’t have a collar then she probably doesn’t. 

Mr.Brightside: Yay another dog

Merida: Hyacinth had two! I gifted them to him!

Mr.Brightside: And I hate u sm for that

Mr.Brightside: He loved those dogs 

Mr.Brightside: And despite them being outdoor dogs they somehow always ended up in our bed

IHateItHere: whipped

Mr.Brightside: i'm just glad they weren’t immortal ones

gottgofast: that’s so mean D:

wineaunt: im with apollo i dont like dogs either 

wineaunt: feline supremacy 

maybeitsmaybelline: feline supremacy! 

Mr.Brightside: I don’t dislike dogs, I just don’t like them getting my bed dirty and stealing my boyfriends attention 

maybeitsmaybelline: pffft

maybeitsmaybelline: were you jealous? 

Mr.Brightside: Of those mutts? No

Mr.Brightside: I prefer pets for the means of transportation, like with my swan chariot 

Mr.Brightside: Where they’re kept in a stable and don’t shit in my house 

maybeitsmaybelline: so callous 

wineaunt: tbh i kinda regret getting ariadne that pet leopard way back when

wineaunt: but i cant really regret it because she loves that big fat cat so much 

BobTheBuilder: Her name is Cressida right? 

wineaunt: yee

wineaunt: i got her as like a guard cat/companion for when I was away 

wineaunt: but then that cat became our child 

Mr.Brightside: It goes downhill fast 

wineaunt: it really does 

Mr.Brightside: Besides I have enough children without adding pets into the mix 

SmartyPants: Just in general? Or are you only counting your immortal ones?

gottagofast: doesn’t apollo have like 20 immortal kids

Mr.Brightside: 14!

Mr.Brightside: And I meant in general 

Merida: oh so more like a hundred 

Mr.Brightside: Not the dead ones!

Merida: i wasn’t counting the dead ones

Mr.Brightside: My sister is bullying me

Merida: its what sisters do

gottagofast: shes got u there 

Mr.Brightside: hmph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the time when I searched up Hemes and google autocorrected his name to herpes, the disrespect smh
> 
> Are you even siblings if you don't ruthlessly bully each other? Non
> 
> I’m reasoning that they don’t get STDs because they’re gods and don’t get mortal illnesses, lucky for Zeus 
> 
> Hermes and Dio ask Apollo their “safe sex” questions and Apollo loves the blackmail material but also hates it bc ew why I didn’t need those details
> 
> Artemis has way more than 20 dogs don’t tell Apollo, she tries to find homes for ones that aren’t cut out for her and the hunters movements, if not then she reluctantly gives them over to shelters that she’s triple vetted, she’s protective of her dogs lol
> 
> Chihuahuas have sm violence inside them. I was walking my dog (who’s a Great Pyrenees, they’re Big dogs) and it just went off barking and frothing and pulling at the leash of the poor old man walking him, and my dog just looked at him like fool I could kill u and kept walking lmao
> 
> Dio be like hee hee weed (he has totally given hera weed brownies before as petty revenge but shhh)
> 
> Apollo is not really a pet person lol, which is funny because he adores kids who can be way worse than animals, maybe it’s because he can actually reason with them (and teach them to use the toilet lol)
> 
> Dionysus scared animals are leopards/panthers and I think it’d be cute if he gave Ariadne one, not really as a pet since they’re big wild cats, but as a buddy and guardian (just in case anyone gets any ideas abt messing with his wife, he still hasn’t forgiven Theseus) 
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you have any ideas for conversation topics pls comment them down below ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

wineaunt: hey gush 

wineaunt: um so dunk

Merida: oh no its happening 

SmartyPants: I have been waiting for this day. 

wineaunt: im colf 

wineaunt: i pbsure i spilked wine on myslef 

Mr.Brightside: HA PAY UP HERMES

gottagofast: gdi dio u couldnt have waited another two weeks?

wineaunt: wai tfor whyt?

BobTheBuilder: Whose turn is it to pick him up? 

maybeitsmaybelline: not mine

IHateItHere: not me

Merida: i did it last month

gottagofast: 1 2 3 not it!

SmartyPants: not it

BobTheBuilder: not it 

Mr.Brightside: not it 

Merida: not it

IHateItHere: not it

wineaunt: nof it

maybeitsmaybelline: not it 

gottagofast: aphrodite u were last u have to pick him up

maybeitsmaybelline: u never said it!

gottagofast: i started it!

maybeitsmaybelline: i can’t rn

maybeitsmaybelline: im in the middle of smth

Merida: in the middle of what?

maybeitsmaybelline: u don’t want to know 💦👅

gottagofast: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Merida: nvm

SmartyPants: Well someone has to. We don’t want a repeat of what happened last time. 

gottagofast: apollo has a car he should get him

Mr.Brightside: So do you!

gottagofast: not anymore 

gottagofast: i sold it at a garage sale 

Mr.Brightside: He threw up in my car last time! Do you know how hard it is to get that out of leather seats?

IHateItHere: i only have my motorcycle and he fell off that last time 

wineaunt: tjat was fuen 

wineaunt: i wqs liek wheee 

gottagofast: @wineaunt where are u? 

wineaunt: uhhh idk sume giys van 

wineaunt: he siad hr had cnady 

Merida: oh my gods dio 

Merida: dont go with strange men into vans 

wineaunt: butt canfy

IHateItHere: pffft

IHateItHere: butt 

BobTheBuilder: Real mature. 

gottagofast: ok fuck some child snatcher has Dio

Mr.Brightside: Shit

Mr.Brightside: Ok I’m coming Dio where are you

wineaunt: in a gan 

Mr.Brightside: I meant like an address 

Mr.Brightside: Wait why am I even asking you?

Mr.Brightside: @BobTheBuilder can u track him?

BobTheBuilder: Already on it 

**BobTheBuilder sent a location**

SmartyPants: I’m close to that area. 

SmartyPants: I’ll make sure Dionysus doesn’t get himself kidnapped until Apollo gets here 

wineaunt: ooh the dued has a lady fruend

wineaunt: she id hot 

maybeitsmaybelline: dio no! turn off ur horny! now is not the time!

SmartyPants: I see a van

Mr.Brightside: I’m like 5 min away

wineaunt: GOLY FYUCK 

wineaunt: ATHEA JIST RUPPED THE D OROS OFF 

gottagofast: GO ATHENA KILL THOSE CLOWNS

IHateHere: STAB THEM

SmartyPants: False alarm.

SmartyPants: Those two are just as wasted as Dionysus and they look like stoners. There’s some bongs and it stinks of weed in here. I should’ve guessed from the peace sign on the van. 

Merida: dio u stupid fuck u had us worried 

wineaunt: i nevwr siad i was in famger 

SmartyPants: Apollo’s here now. He’s going to take Dionysus home. 

gottagofast: im just glad hes ok 

Mr.Brightside: It took me three tries to get that shithead into the back of my car

Mr.Brightside: He kept slipping out of my arms

gottagofast: yeah hes like a bar of soap when hes wasted

Mr.Brightside: I swear 

Mr.Brightside: This is the last time I’m giving him a ride home 

maybeitsmaybelline: you say that every time sweetheart

Mr.Brightside: Well I mean it this time

Mr.Brightside: No more rides for at least another year

gottagofast: whatever u say

gottagofast: but we all know ur a big softie

Merida: apollo always rushes over when i get myself into trouble and i appreciate it, even if he gives me a five hour lecture afterwards 

Mr.Brightside: U do smth stupid u get a lecture those are the rules

Mr.Brightside: Just wait until dio wakes up tomorrow he is gonna be in for it

IHateItHere: rip dio

BobTheBuilder: Seriously though is he ok?

Mr.Brightside: He’s fine

Mr.Brightside: More than fine since he just face planted into Ariadne’s boobs and is now getting cuddles

IHateItHere: boobs are the best pillows

gottagofast: they really are

SmartyPants: I’m just thankful we thought ahead and put a tracker on our more irresponsible siblings, like Dionysus and Hermes. 

gottagofast: wait

gottagofast: what do u mean and hermes??

Mr.Brightside: Dammit Athena u weren’t supposed to tell him that 

gottagofast: U PUT A TRACKER ON ME

BobTheBuilder: Not exactly a tracker, we just locate items we know you will always have on you, like a phone

gottagofast: THAT IS UNETHICAL

Merida: can u blame us with all the shit u get up to? 

Merida: also who are u to say smth is unethical? hypocrite

gottagofast: TAKE IT OFF

Mr.Brightside. After that stunt you pulled last year you're still on probation 

gottagofast: i never went to jail!

gottagofast: well i never got sentenced but its not my fault county police have shitty holding cells

gottagofast: its like they wanted me to escape!

SmartyPants: Hermes wouldn’t you rather us be able to find you when you’re in trouble? We don’t use it unless we need to. It’s not like we’re stalking your movements. 

maybeitsmaybelline: are hermes and dio the only one with trackers? 

BobTheBuilder: in this group yes

maybeitsmaybelline: tbh i’m surprised u don’t have one on me

Merida: we don’t need one

Merida: we just follow the trail of drooling men

maybeitsmaybelline: being ethereally gorgeous has its downsides

maybeitsmaybelline: men get so enamored by my charm that they act like idiots around me

IHateItHere: but not me right babe

maybeitsmaybelline: sure

gottagofast: pffft

IHateItHere: >:0

maybeitsmaybelline: love u 😘

IHateItHere: :D

Merida: is it just me or does ares using a smiley face creep anyone else out 

Mr.Brightside: seconded 

BobTheBuilder: thirded

gottagofast: fourthded or fourded or however its spelled 

gottagofast: if its even a word 

SmartyPants: It’s not. 

IHateItHere: ur all ducks 

gottagofast: ducks

Mr.Brightside: Ducks

Merida: ducks

IHateItHere: DICKS DAMN U

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to have dio drunk text in the chat at least once, for his drunk texting I just turned my autocorrect off and typed without looking lol
> 
> Don’t go with people just because they say they have candy kids, it might actually be drugs 
> 
> 3 guesses what Aphrodite is busy doing lol
> 
> Athena ripped off those doors like she was tearing paper, she strong
> 
> Apollo is a total pushover when it comes to his siblings, he already spoiled Hermes rotten and that was AFTER Hermes stole his cows 
> 
> Hephaestus put a tracker on Dionysus a long time ago lol, since he has a habit of passing out drunk places and not knowing where he is, he put one on Hermes too at Apollo’s request, Apollo loves Hermes he just doesn’t trust him
> 
> Ares baby I’m sorry but u act like an idiot around Aphrodite, dw tho she thinks it’s endearing


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

wineaunt: I LIVED BITCH

gottagofast: welcome back 

BobTheBuilder: glad ur ok

Mr.Brightside: At this point I’m just relieved ur immortal

Mr.Brightside: Otherwise you probably would’ve been dead in a ditch a long time ago 

wineaunt: ur faith in me is astounding 

Mr.Brightside: I have “faith” in knowing the type of person you are and what’s most likely to happen 

Merida: apollo doesn’t need to look into the future to know that dio 

wineaunt: im going back to ariadne you guys are being mean 

maybeitsmaybelline: get it

wineaunt: u know i will 👌

IHateItHere: does anyone else find it ironic that out of all of us dio is the married one?

BobTheBuilder: I’m married too 

IHateItHere: this aint abt u

Merida: yeah given dio’s... lifestyle i was surprised 

SmartyPants: Marriage is a very mortal ideal so I suppose it might be because Dionysus was previously a mortal before he achieved godhood. 

wineaunt: or maybe because i love my wife? 

wineaunt: i love calling her my wife its so awesome

wineaunt: my wife my wife my wife 

gottagofast: ur waifu

wineaunt: thats actually what i have her saved as in my contacts lol

gottagofast: i know ive been thru ur phone 

gottagofast: god of communications and all

wineaunt: is there anyway my privacy hasnt been breached?

wineaunt: first a tracker now this 

gottagofast: to be fair i was bored when I went thru ur phone 

wineaunt: better watch out next time u come to my place

wineaunt: a leopard might bite you because its “bored”

gottagofast: its gonna have to catch me first ;)

Merida: my bets on the leopard 

gottagofast: hey!! 

wineaunt: i just scrolled back and read what u guys talked about while i was passed out in apollos car

wineaunt: _@IHateItHere_ i have a big duck

wineaunt: several actually

wineaunt: i keep them inside my nightstand drawer 

IHateItHere: i hate u

IHateItHere: so fucking much

Mr.Brightside: Don’t you mean ducking?

IHateItHere: ur an asshole

IHateItHere: ur all assholes 

Merida: on the subject of ducks and other water fowl… I hate apollo’s swans

Merida: they’re demon spawn

gottagofast: one of them bit me once! in the ass!

wineaunt: swans look all elegant and serene but they’re actually full of rage 

gottagofast: just like apollo!

Mr.Brightside: hey! ares is the angry one here

gottagofast: tru

IHateItHere: 😡

gottagofast: no talk he angy

maybeitsmaybelline: his pouty face is so cute 

maybeitsmaybelline: his nose gets all scrunched up 

wineaunt: he grrr

IHateItHere: can we go back to ragging on apollo? that was fun

gottagofast: swans are apollos sacred animals for a reason

gottagofast: they are beauty, they are grace, they will bite the nose right off ur face

maybeitsmaybelline: this is why my sacred animals are doves 

Merida: his swan’s “singing” is so bad

Merida: they sound like car horns

Mr.Brightside: They’re doing their best!

Merida: evil creatures 

Mr.Brightside: Woah woah woah

Mr.Brightside: Swans can be mean af I’ll give u that 

Mr.Brightside: But you know what’s actually the root of all evil? Geese

Mr.Brightside: Those fuckers take no prisoners 

SmartyPants: Geese do have a history of violence. They even have teeth on their tongues. 

**SmartyPants sent an image**

wineaunt: dude i dont like that 

gottagofast: thats not right 

Mr.Brightside: TOLD YA SO

Mr.Brightside: EVIL

BobTheBuilder: I’m gonna have to agree with Apollo 

IHateItHere: yo that looks rad

IHateItHere: maybe I should put teeth on my tongue 

maybeitsmaybelline: do not do that 

IHateItHere: but it would be cool!

maybeitsmaybelline: if u do that ur mouth will not be permitted anywhere near my lovely skin

IHateItHere: fine

gottagofast: whipped

IHateItHere: says the one who like whips 

gottagofast: sticks and stones may break my bones 

gottagofast: but chains and whips excite me 

SmartyPants: That’s not how the saying goes.

gottagofast: gdi athena just let me meme

maybeitsmaybelline: this is why doves are the best birds 

maybeitsmaybelline: they’re signs of love and peace and purity 

maybeitsmaybelline: just like moi

Merida: oh really? is that why they shit on everything 

wineaunt: oh shit

gottagofast: shots fired 

Mr.Brightside: _@wineaunt_ oh shit indeed 

maybeitsmaybelline: _@Merida_ they’re way more elegant shitting than you will ever be dear

maybeitsmaybelline: or should I say deer since those graceful animals are somehow sacred to you? 

gottagofast: oooh 🤭

IHateItHere: get her ass 

SmartyPants: Can we please not fight? All of our sacred animals are of equal importance and statute. 

Merida: you wanna go? 

maybeitsmaybelline: i don’t involve myself with barbarians

Merida: at least i’m not a glass gazing bimbo 

Mr.Brightside: Woah woah woah easy there you two

Mr.Brightside: I’m all for teasing and poking fun at each other but this is going a bit too far, don’t you think?

Merida: i guess...

maybeitsmaybelline: hmph 

maybeitsmaybelline: _@Merida_ truce?

Merida: fine 

SmartyPants: Now that you have agreed to ceasefire, can we all agree not to fight? At least not in here. If you have issues with another you can take that up outside of the group chat. 

gottagofast: yeah… like apollo said teasing and poking fun is ok but actual malice and insults… not so much 

BobTheBuilder: I think that’s wise 

SmartyPants: I am the goddess of wisdom.

IHateItHere: as you keep reminding us 

Mr.Brightside: So everyone else agrees?

Merida: yeah

maybeitsmaybelline: i don’t have any objections 

IHateItHere: as long as i can still make fun of you all

wineaunt: sure 

SmartyPants: Then its settled.

SmartyPants: Honestly we should’ve laid down these rules when the group chat was first created 

gottagofast: my bad 😓

gottagofast: i just wanted it to be fun so rules weren’t exactly on the forefront of my mind

Mr.Brightside: It is fun

Mr.Brightside: We just made some rules real quick to make sure no one gets hurt 

wineaunt: kinda like a safe word lol

wineaunt: mine is pinecone

Merida: we didn’t need to know that 

wineaunt: u never know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dionysus be like that John mulaney meme THATS MY WIFE
> 
> Artemis is right swans can and will come after u ass, but geese? Demöns
> 
> Aphrodite was like if u put teeth on ur tongue no pussy for u and ares was like gdi (he’s whipped)
> 
> “Chains and whips excite me” is a subtle ref to hermes being into bdsm lol
> 
> Artemis and Aphrodite be throwing shade and everyone else is like THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING!! Those two don’t really get along since they have such opposing view points on love, but they don’t hate each other or anything 
> 
> Athena said no bad vibes in the chat 
> 
> Dio is a major over-sharer, liquid courage makes for loose lips, also he has no shame lmao
> 
> Thanks for reading! And thanks to those who have commented yall are validating me ;-;


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

Merida: hey what are yalls favorite disney princesses?

Merida: mine is obviously merida

Mr.Brightside: It’s like she was made for u to like her 

Mr.Brightside: Great at archery, fan of the woods, doesn’t give two shits about marriage

Merida: tbh i’m wondering if they somehow got inspiration from the stories about me but that's probably unlikely since the setting is in Ireland or wherever 

wineaunt: my fav is esmerelda 

wineaunt: her sexy dancing is 👌

wineaunt: but also mad respect for alice for eating magic mushrooms

SmartyPants: I think you took away the wrong message from that film. 

wineaunt: no i think i got the right one

wineaunt: remember there was that stoned caterpillar? def abt drugs 

SmartyPants: I’m not even going to bother correcting you.

SmartyPants: I liked Belle’s love of reading and knowledge but I also liked Tiana’s grit, she wasn’t a typical damsel in distress. 

gottagofast: no one’s slick like gaston, no one’s quick like gaston, no one’s incredibly thick like gaston

gottagofast: reminds me of ares 

IHateItHere: im going to pretend u didnt say that

gottagofast: whos ur fav princess ares?

IHateItHere: mulan 

IHateItHere: no contest 

maybeitsmaybelline: how did i know you would say that?

IHateItHere: because shes a badass?

IHateItHere: nothing appeals to me more than strong scary women 

maybeitsmaybelline: you think i'm scary?

IHateItHere: terrifying

IHateItHere: everyone knows not to fuck with the goddess of love

maybeitsmaybelline: aww ur making me blush

Mr.Brightside: My favorite is probably Rapunzel

Mr.Brightside: She appeals to my artist’s heart 

Mr.Brightside: And I love what she’s got going on with her long ass blonde hair

maybeitsmaybelline: ooh yes

maybeitsmaybelline: and her love story with eugene is so cute 

IHateItHere: who?

maybeitsmaybelline: flynn rider, eugene is his real name

IHateItHere: he should stick to the fake one

Mr.Brightside: But I also love kuzco

BobTheBuilder: He’s not a Disney Princess 

Mr.Brightside: He is in my heart 

wineaunt: omg yess

wineaunt: how could i forget about kuzco??

Mr.Brightside: Shame on thee

wineaunt: im sorry 😭😭

maybeitsmaybelline: ugh u can’t make me choose i love all of them

gottagofast: choose 

gottagofast: choose choose choose

Merida: CHOOSE

IHateItHere: CHOOSE CHOOSE CHOOSE 

SmartyPants: I’m sure you could at least narrow it down a bit. 

wineaunt: C H O O S E

maybeitsmaybelline: OK FINE

maybeitsmaybelline: i do like the popular classics like cinderella and sleeping beauty 

maybeitsmaybelline: but i adore ariel and eric’s love story

maybeitsmaybelline: the drama of how she saved eric and made a deal to be able to be with him but then her voice was stolen and ugh

IHateItHere: also didn’t you live under the sea for a bit before you came to olympus? 

maybeitsmaybelline: yep! i feel the whole part of ur world thing 

maybeitsmaybelline: the bottom of the sea gets boring idk what poseidon sees in it

wineaunt: the topless mermaids?

gottagofast: akdhskdh 

SmartyPants: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the reason; or at least part of it. The men in our family need to get it together. Acting like idiots because they see a beautiful woman. 

Merida: smh

Mr.Brightside: To be fair I act like an idiot around both women AND men

Merida: we’re well aware 

Merida: you were in the shower for ages after you embarrassed yourself in front of a cute boy

Mr.Brightside: I was trying to drown myself 

Merida: if you found a way to drown yourself in a shower with a functioning drain i would honestly be impressed 

SmartyPants: Hephaestus and Hermes still haven’t said who their favorite Disney Princesses are. 

gottagofast: hephaestus should go first bc of alphabetical order

gottagofast: besides im still trying to decide 

BobTheBuilder: Uhhh I’m not really an avid disney watcher 

BobTheBuilder: But I think I’d have to go with Kida from the lost city of Atlantis movie

BobTheBuilder: if she counts 

wineaunt: YOO I LOVE THAT MOVIE

wineaunt: BRO OFC IT COUNTS 

gottagofast: that movie is criminally underrated 

gottagofast: and so is treasure planet 

Merida: disney marketing did them dirty 

gottagofast: they really did

Mr.Brightside: Sooo _@gottagofast_ who’s ur fav?

gottagofast: oof that’s a tough one 

gottagofast: i like jasmine but that’s more because she married aladdin than anything else 

wineaunt: she has superior taste 

gottagofast: exactly 

gottagofast: but i also like moana’s desire to travel and see whats out there 

Merida: ooh yes, i really liked the ending of that movie

Merida: te fiti wasn't some horrible monster, but a woman who had been hurt, and moana helped her 

gottagofast: wamen supporting wamen

gottagofast: i think im gonna have to go with moana

Mr.Brightside: I LOVE the songs in Moana 

Mr.Brightside: They were written by the same guy who created hamilton

Mr.Brightside: I blessed his musical y'know 

Merida: yes we know apollo

Merida: he never shuts up about how great lin manuel miranda is 

Mr.Brightside: BC WHAT HE DID IS AMAZING

Mr.Brightside: The entire musical was rapped or sung, there were barely any moments of just pure dialogue in it

Mr.Brightside: Writing songs is hard but making a whole ass 2 hour musical worth of lyrics?? Do you know how hard that is?

wineaunt: it was so well done 

wineaunt: im so glad i went with u to see it opening night 

gottagofast: gasp

gottagofast: you didnt invite me??

Mr.Brightside: We didn’t think you’d be interested 

Mr.Brightside: I invited Dio because he’s the god of theatre 

gottagofast: wow

gottagofast: excuse me while i go cry ;-;

Mr.Brightside: Hermes c’mon

Merida: he’s not responding 

Mr.Brightside: Yes I can see that Artemis 

wineaunt: ooh you hurt his feelings 

Mr.Brightside: He’ll get over it

Mr.Brightside: And if he doesn’t I’ll bribe him with sweets 

Merida: u cant always use food bribes to get people to forgive u

Mr.Brightside: Sure I can 

Mr.Brightside: I always bring you a bag of sunflower seeds when you’re mad at me

Mr.Brightside: And it works every time 

Merida: because i can’t stay mad at u

Merida: ur just lucky it’s usually smth trivial like with hermes 

gottagofast: it is not trivial!

gottagofast: my brosefs excluded me T^T

wineaunt: we’re sorry 

wineaunt: we didn’t think you’d be upset 

Mr.Brightside: we’ll take you out somewhere to eat, wherever you want 

gottagofast: taco bell?

maybeitsmaybelline: you could choose anywhere in the world and you chose fucking taco bell??

gottagofast: its not about the quality of the food, its abt that 3 am fast food experience with ur bros

Mr.Brightside: Why do we have to go at 3 am? 

gottagofast: for the experience™

wineaunt: im down

Mr.Brightside: Some of us aren’t midnight cryptids like you two y’know 

gottagofast: tough

Mr.Brightside: Ugh fine

gottagofast: YAY

gottagofast: make sure to bring ur wallet ;)

Mr.Brightside Why do I have a bad feeling about this

Merida: because hermes is gonna rob you blind

gottagofast: where :) did you ever :)) get that idea :)))

Mr.Brightside: Dear gods 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favorite Disney Princess is also Moana, Hermes knows what’s up 
> 
> Aphrodite is preening, all pleased ppl think she’s scary bc that’s every woman’s goal I would know, also she is the goddess of love she can and will fuck u up 
> 
> Kuzco is a disney princess fite me
> 
> In the myths apollo has a habit of acting like a flustered teenager around his crushes, just look up branchus and cyrene 
> 
> The lost city of Atlantis and treasure planet are such good movies and beautifully animated but Disney did them dirty with marketing and I will never forgive them for that 
> 
> Me and Apollo are both obsessed with musicals, maybe I’ll do a chapter about them talking abt musicals but tbh it would just be Apollo and Dio talking lol
> 
> Hermes is being overdramatic to get Apollo to do things for him, this bitch has been pulling this shit since day one 
> 
> It’s all abt the 3am fast food experience, that’s real broship


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

wineaunt: add one to the tally 

Mr.Brightside: On it

BobTheBuilder: what tally?

wineaunt: the running tally me and apollo keep about how many times we have been mistaken for women 

wineaunt: we started it last year

Mr.Brightside: There’s also a tally for Artemis and how many times she’s been mistaken for a wild animal 

maybeitsmaybelline: pffft 

maybeitsmaybelline: bet that counts p high

Merida: there is not! 

Merida: that happened like,, two times 

Merida: except for the times when i was in the form of an animal but that doesn’t count 

wineaunt: what’s our point totals?

Mr.Brightside: I have 46 you have 59

wineaunt: damn 

wineaunt: just ten more 

gottagofast: so close

Mr.Brightside: Dio’s is higher than mine because the people he hangs out with often have blurry vision 

wineaunt: just accept it apollo im more gnc than u

Mr.Brightside: If u accept that I’m gayer than you

wineaunt: never 

IHateItHere: doesnt it bother u tho? people mistaking u for women 

wineaunt: not really 

Mr.Brightside: If anything its an ego boost

Mr.Brightside: Being mistaken for a woman means I’m just that pretty 

maybeitsmaybelline: women be like that 

wineaunt: 🙌 

wineaunt: it can get awkward tho when a gay girl or a straight guy come onto u only to later be like hold up chief when they notice 

Mr.Brightside: yeah ripp

SmartyPants: As gods we technically don’t have a biological gender since we can change our forms to however we want ourselves to be perceived. And our “true forms” don’t have any corporal body at all. 

SmartyPants: So if anything we have a strong connection to our gender identity. Just as mortals do.

Merida: yeah some of my hunters are trans women and i remember them doubting whether or not they’d be allowed into the hunt 

Merida: i gave them the whole spiel about how i was a goddess but i could take any form i wanted, but just because i had masculine features didn't make me a man, just as having feminine features didn’t make me a women either

Merida: i am the gender i say i am, that i want to be, and so are they

wineaunt: damn artemis 

wineaunt: well said 

gottagofast: 👏👏👏

Mr.Brightside: Makes me all warm and fuzzy about the fun times when we’d hunt transphobes for sport 🥰

Merida: ooh yeah we need to go do that again sometime 

IHateItHere: ooh can i come too?

Merida: can you shoot a bow?

IHateItHere: i can use all weapons!

Merida: then sure ig u can tag along 

Merida: if apollo is ok with it

Mr.Brightside: The more the merrier 

IHateItHere: aww yiss

gottagofast: speaking of gay

gottagofast: guess who has two thumbs and just got a hot guys number 

maybeitsmaybelline: ooh an actual number 

maybeitsmaybelline: not just a tinder match 

wineaunt: or a grindr one lmao

gottagofast: hey theres nothing wrong with online dating

Mr.Brightside: No offense Hermes but I don’t think grindr qualifies as online dating 

Mr.Brightside: It’s more like hey wanna sext with a handsome stranger ;)

gottagofast: nothing wrong with that either 

maybeitsmaybelline: there isn’t 

maybeitsmaybelline: but cmon babe, how long are these relationships lasting? weeks at most? 

gottagofast: the grindr or the tinder ones 

maybeitsmaybelline: u know what i mean

maybeitsmaybelline: im talking abt ur commitment issues 

maybeitsmaybelline: as soon as smth starts to get real u jet

gottagofast: i dont have commitment issues! 

wineaunt: yes u do

Mr.Brightside: Yes u do 

Merida: bruh u totally do

SmartyPants: Either you’re lying to us or yourself. 

gottagofast: yall are ganging up on me ;-;

BobTheBuilder: Yeah but they have a point 

gottagofast: even you hephaestus?

gottagofast:  _ @IHateItHere _ ares,,, my bro, do you at least have my back 🥺

IHateItHere: dont make me do this

gottagofast: OH COME ON

maybeitsmaybelline: are you willing to acknowledge the problem now?

gottagofast: i already have, i just shove it deep down inside and never touch it so it cant bother me

wineaunt: meee

Mr.Brightside: I’d tell you that’s not healthy, but then I’d be a hypocrite so

maybeitsmaybelline:  _ @gottagofast _ at least promise me you’ll try with new number boy 

gottagofast: why do you care sm abt this?

maybeitsmaybelline: because i’m the goddess of love! 

maybeitsmaybelline: and you’re the only one here, besides our resident aces, who doesn’t have someone 

maybeitsmaybelline: dionysus has ariadne, apollo has hyacinthus, hephaestus has aglaea, and me and ares have each other 

gottagofast: gee thx for reminding me how lonely i am 

maybeitsmaybelline: thats not the point of that and you know it

maybeitsmaybelline: just promise me you wont run away the next time things start to get serious with someone 

maybeitsmaybelline: pls 🥺

gottagofast: i will make no promises 

gottagofast: but i will give it some thought 

maybeitsmaybelline: thanks boo

maybeitsmaybelline: im glad i let u steal my sandals that one time

gottagofast: what do you mean let me?

gottagofast: i’m a first rate thief! i don’t need anyone to turn a blind eye in order to pull of my heist 

maybeitsmaybelline: whatever u say <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dio and Apollo are effeminate kings (or should is say queens lol) 
> 
> Apollo is the patron god of same sex love and Dionysus is the patron god of transgender and intersex people, they say lgbt+ rights 
> 
> Ares, the manly man tm, doesn’t really get why Apollo and Dio like being effeminate, but he doesn’t judge (besides if he did Aphrodite would beat him with her slipper) 
> 
> Hermes pls,,, u have commitment issues, that’s why u like the online barrier (rip hermes bc if he falls for a mortal they’ll die in 50 years or so and if its an immortal he might end up shackled to them forever oop)
> 
> Aphrodite be coming after his ass
> 
> It’s just my take, but I like think Aphrodite let Hermes steal her shoes because she knew he didn’t have the confidence to approach her directly bc he feared rejection 
> 
> Thx for reading! Feel free to comment ur thoughts down below <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

Merida: i’m seriously wondering if dad dropped ares on his head as a baby or smth

Mr.Brightside: Lmao what did Ares do

Merida: his dumbass scared off my prey with how fucking loud he is 

IHateItHere: he did actually 

wineaunt: well that explains a few things

IHateItHere: fuck u

BobTheBuilder: At least Hera didn't chuck u off olympus when u were born 

Mr.Brightside: Or try to kill you in the womb

wineaunt: ^^

gottagofast: zeus and hera really are model parents 

Mr.Brightside: In their eyes they’re already way better parents because at least they didn’t eat us

wineaunt: the bar really be that low 😔

SmartyPants: Zeus actually did eat/absorb my mom when she was pregnant with me. 

Mr.Brightside: Oh right 

gottagofast: rip athena’s mom 

wineaunt: just one of the many things on the long laundry list of why dad should foot our therapy bill

Merida: what he did to callisto 

Mr.Brightside: him killing my son

Mr.Brightside: even if he did end up reviving him to keep the peace 

wineaunt: his dumbass accidentally vaporized my mom 

IHateItHere: him not doing squat when i was held prisoner by giants for over a year 

gottagofast: him making me deliver his sexts to all his side pieces 

maybeitsmaybelline: damn that was fast

Merida: we keep our receipts 

SmartyPants: It can make good leverage. But we can only play those cards so many times before they lose their effectiveness. 

gottagofast: right we gotta be smart with our blackmail 

SmartyPants: It’s not blackmail if it’s common knowledge.

gottagofast: oh ho ho i know a lot of things that are not common knowledge my friend 

wineaunt: yeah hermes as shit on Everyone 

gottagofast: perks of being a messenger god 

gottagofast: so dont fuck with me :)

IHateItHere: that smiley face is fucking creepy

gottagofast: :) :) :)

IHateItHere: kill it 

IHateItHere: kill it with fire 

wineaunt: ok to cleanse all this negativity can i talk abt how much i love my wife?

wineaunt: bc i love her sm T^T

maybeitsmaybelline: go for it hun

wineaunt: i just ack

wineaunt: she’s so cute and witty and amazing and akgskshs

gottagofast: there there

wineaunt: i cannot comprehend how much i adore her

wineaunt: my heart is like,, on super drugs whenever I see her 

wineaunt: the kind that make mortals OD

Mr.Brightside: That’s… sweet.. I think?

maybeitsmaybelline: so ur wife is so amazing and ur so in love with her that u wanna die?

wineaunt: yeah! 

wineaunt: my heart just EXPLODES

Merida: sounds violent 

gottagofast: aphrodite’s the love translator 

maybeitsmaybelline: its a gift 

maybeitsmaybelline: btw hermes how did it go with that guy who gave u his number 

gottagofast: didnt work out :(

maybeitsmaybelline: what happened? i need details hermes!

gottagofast: u know u could always just stay out of my love life right

maybeitsmaybelline: hermes we both know what i’m the goddess of right? so don’t ask stupid questions 

IHateItHate: oooohh shes gonna get u

gottagofast: stfu

Mr.Brightside: Hermes ur dodging the question 

gottagofast: bc i dont want to answer it!

maybeitsmaybelline: spill

gottagofast: fine

gottagofast: he got my name tattooed on him and i was like dude we’ve been dating for like 3 weeks wtf

wineaunt: PFFFT

wineaunt: WAS HE DRUNK WHEN HE GOT IT

gottagofast: no he was sober! and thats even worse!

Merida: bruh

BobTheBuilder: that is… a bit much 

gottagofast: yeah i was like is this a prank? pls tell me this is a joke

gottagofast: and then he got mad bc i didnt appreciate it and i got this for u! and i just noped out

SmartyPants: That was probably for the best. 

Mr.Brightside: Dude that sounds like a nightmare 

gottagofast: it was!

gottagofast: but on the bright side…

Mr.Brightside: Did

Mr.Brightside: did u just make a pun about my nickname 

gottagofast: u have no proof

gottagofast: so as i was saying, i went to the tattoo parlour he said he got it at and found the tattoo artist that did him and asked her like how could u enable someone in doing smth that fucking stupid

gottagofast: and she was like i assume ur hermes? the bf? and i was like yeah but im no longer the bf and why the fuck would u do that

gottagofast: and she said bc she thought it was funny 

gottagofast: a woman after my own heart

wineaunt: nothing funnier than helping people make stupid choices 

wineaunt: its like alcohol 

gottagofast: but i was still kinda mad so i asked her what did he even tell her, did she know we’d only been dating for like 3 weeks??

gottagofast: and she does a spit take 

gottagofast: and was like 3 weeks? oh shit that guy is even more of a dumbass than i thought he was 

Merida: i’m starting to like this girl 

gottagofast: and shes like bruh im so sorry u had to deal with that, but if i said no to half the people getting dumb tattoos i would be outta business 

gottagofast: and im like thats valid but now im emotionally scarred and will not be dating for at least the next 6 months 

gottagofast: and shes like cheers to that bro love is a scam and we both laugh 

Merida: now i really like this girl 

gottagofast: aaand long story short we banged and now im trying to work her extremely outdated coffee machine 

Merida: gdi 

Merida: ofc it ended in sex i hate it here

Mr.Brightside:  _ @Merida _ pat pat

maybeitsmaybelline: SO IT DID WORK OUT!

maybeitsmaybelline: JUST WITH HER INSTEAD

wineaunt: WHOO GET IT HERMES

Mr.Brightside: Yeag kudos Hermes 

gottagofast: thank u kings 

maybeitsmaybelline: so tattoo girl 👀

gottagofast: i have to keep some secrets ;)

maybeitsmaybelline: now thats just cruel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zeus totally dropped Ares on his head as a baby. It was an accident. Hera blames Zeus dropping Ares on his head for why their son “turned out like this” lmao
> 
> Zeus is can be a dick sometimes (well more like a lot of the times) and his children make sure to document it for later lol, it must suck to be an immortal and have ppl bringing up shit u did over a thousand years ago 
> 
> Hermes runs a blackmail ring u cant tell me he doesn’t, at the very least he’s a major gossip 
> 
> I am obligated to have Dionysus talk about he loves his wife whenever the opportunity arises (they have the most functional marriage on Olympus, but tbh they don’t exactly have tough competition lol)
> 
> Aphrodite wants the tea 🍵
> 
> Rip Hermes, at least he hooked up with tattoo girl (who also had some piercings in interesting places ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) what do y’all think of tattoo girl? Do u wanna hear more abt her relationship with hermes? Or make it just be a one time thing?
> 
> Thx for reading! If you have any ideas for things for the gods to talk abt feel free to comment them!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

gottagofast: i am once again crying abt pjo

gottagofast: i know its not real but what happens to luke ;-;

gottagofast: i also get kinda mad lol bc im like i would never do that to my kids! i care abt them!

wineaunt: i dont like how bitter they made me

wineaunt: but tbh if i didnt have wine idk what i would do 

gottagofast: yeah zeus punishing u (in pjo) for getting with some off limits wood nymph is the stupidest reason i ever heard

gottagofast: like bruh he would probs clap u on the back

wineaunt: IKR

wineaunt: zeus is in no place to talk abt women being off limits lmao

gottagofast: laziest excuse i ever heard 

wineaunt: also it having me hate heroes was nooo 

wineaunt: like yeah FUCK THESEUS but i dont hate heroes 

Mr.Brightside: yeah a lot of heroes just happen to be dicks

Mr.Brightside: *cough* Hercules and Achilles *cough cough*

gottagofast: how u feeling abt pjo apollo u got a whole ass series 

Mr.Brightside: the books are good, the takes on the gods not sm

Mr.Brightside: like i get that the author wanted the story to be focused on the demigods and not the gods but still 

gottagofast: what abt toa?

Mr.Brightside: well it was already better than the previous two series because i was the focus 

Merida: ofc 

Mr.Brightside: I liked how bi i was in the toa series, all those bi thoughts “Lester” had were very relatable 

Mr.Brightside: But i disliked how cowardly the author made me 

Mr.Brightside: And saying i barely remembered my kids’ names?? Like bruh NO

gottagofast: yeah ur one of the most involved in ur kids’ lives 

Mr.Brightside: RIGHT?

Mr.Brightside: And like some of the stuff u could tell he pulled out of his ass, like I never bullied some Greek-Egyptian mixed god wtf even was that

IHateItHere: yeah like how he made me a misogynist saying i doubted clarisse because she was a girl 

IHateItHere: I AM THE PATRON GOD OF THE AMAZONS AN ALL FEMALE WARRIOR BAND LED BY TWO OF MY DAUGHTERS

IHateItHere: AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH THOSE ARE MY DAUGHTERS LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE THEY SLAUGHTERED

Merida: yeah i was the other god the amazons mainly worshipped 

Merida: they were different from my hunters bc they kept men’s company but they were very skilled 

SmartyPants: They were a formidable fighting force. 

SmartyPants: I don’t have any kids like the Percy Jackson series says I do, but I’m glad it respected my position as a virgin goddess and made them “brain babies” that I created.

SmartyPants: I understand that was a point back to how I emerged from Zeus’ skull, but I was not created that way. I was a product of procreation and I broke out of Zeus’ skull because he absorbed my mother. 

gottagofast: in pjo u be creating babies bc a mortal is intellectually stimulating lmao 

Merida: yeah pjo made a lot of people think i'm a man hater 

Merida: like i love my brother 

Mr.Brightside: Aww

Merida: sometimes

Mr.Brightside: HEY

gottagofast: oh yeah that reminds me

gottagofast: in pjo me and apollo had no broship and that was a crime 

Mr.Brightside: Yeah! They had u bet on my death and I was like not my Hermes 

gottagofast: and it made zeus even shittier than usual 

gottagofast: like yeah he’s not the best dad, he has a short temper and can be callous, but he wouldn’t send apollo to his possible death 

Mr.Brightside: I’m way too important for him to do that

Mr.Brightside: And I’m his favorite son!

IHateItHere: yeah yeah we all know u and athena are the favorites now can u shut up abt it 

Mr.Brightside: Sorry ;-;

Mr.Brightside Guess I hit a nerve 

IHateItHere: whatever 

BobTheBuilder: My only peeve about pjo is it says Aphrodite and I are still married

BobTheBuilder: It completely erases the fact that I got remarried to Aglaea

maybeitsmaybelline: yeah its annoying how common that misconception is 

maybeitsmaybelline: also the whole rite of aphrodite thing about having to break a boy’s heart is messed up

maybeitsmaybelline: first of all the heart having to be a boy’s 

maybeitsmaybelline: like I have sons??

Mr.Brightside: Sorry Aphrodite sons are only acceptable in the form of warriors 😔✊ no prissy boys who love Love

maybeitsmaybelline: and it is also excluding people of other sexualities

maybeitsmaybelline: what if my child wants to seduce someone of the same sex?? 

maybeitsmaybelline: and the whole breaking someone’s heart thing is the exact opposite of what love stands for 

wineaunt: PREACH 👏👏

maybeitsmaybelline: also it only focuses on romantic love when there are many other kinds of love, familial, friendship, self love etc

Merida: hollywood brainwashed people into thinking love is solely romantic 

IHateItHere: honestly i’m starting to get numb to people disliking me and characterizing me as a bad guy because i represent war and war gets ugly 

IHateItHere: guess i’m just a big bully 

maybeitsmaybelline: and i’m the gossipy girl stereotype that only cares about shopping and make up 

SmartyPants: Our characterization in those books seems to be based upon our stereotypes instead of how we’re actually represented in the myths. 

IHateItHere: yeah 

SmartyPants: They say Ares is violent but leave out how loyal he is. They say Aphrodite breaks hearts when what she really wants is to make them full. They say Apollo is self centered when he is actually very knowledgeable and cares so much. I could go on and on. 

Mr.Brightside: Everyone seems to forget I’m the god of knowledge smh 

Merida: like yeah you can be egotistical but so can the rest of us

Merida: we’re gods 

gottagofast: yeah mortals dont really get what being a god means 

gottagofast: and how could they? theyre mortals 

Mr.Brightside: Basically ppl need to stop acting like pjo is an accurate depiction of us or mythology

Mr.Brightside: It’s a good story but that’s all it is

Mr.Brightside: A story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a disclaimer but I do adore the pjo books (I was obsessed with them in middle school lol) To me see the greek gods in that series are more like Rick’s ocs then anything else, not an accurate representation of them from the myths
> 
> Who else is tired of Ares being the bad guy? Or of Apollo being a womanizer? Or of Artemis being a man hater? Or of Aphrodite being miss most popular girl in high school? Bc I am. They’re complex characters, full of flaws, not one dimensional stereotypes like most media makes them out to be 
> 
> The topic of this chapter was requested by dont_Miss_Me and seconded by Without a fork
> 
> Thank you for commenting! Feel free to add on more topic ideas if any come to mind <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermes: gottagofast  
> Apollo: Mr.Brightside  
> Artemis: Merida  
> Dionysus: wineaunt  
> Athena: SmartyPants  
> Ares: IHateItHere  
> Aphrodite: maybeitsmaybelline  
> Hephaestus: BobTheBuilder

Merida: AAAAHH OH MY GODS WHY

Merida: MY EYES

Merida: MY POOR POOR EYES 

Mr.Brightside: I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOCK

Merida: I NEED TO FLUSH THEM WITH BLEACH 

wineaunt: wait what happened?

wineaunt: what did artemis see?

gottagofast: yeah whats the all caps abt

Merida: SOMETHING I NEVER WANTED TO SEE

Mr.Brightside: She walked in on me and Hyacinthus 

wineaunt: PFFFT

gottagofast: rip 💀💀

maybeitsmaybelline: oh my

IHateItHere: thats fucking hilarious 

Mr.Brightside: Which killed the mood and traumatized my boyfriend!!

Merida: TRAUMATIZED HIM?? 

Mr.Brightside: YES

Mr.Brightside: YOU BURST INTO MY ROOM LIKE THE FBI

Mr.Brightside: no hello no knock no anything! 

maybeitsmaybelline: _ @Merida _ how did the dick exposure go over 

Merida: i’ve just seen enough penis for a lifetime

Merida: and enough of my brother 

Merida: gag me 

Mr.Brightside: We shared a womb! You’ve already seen all of me and I’ve seen all of your overdramatic ass!

gottagofast: what all did u see 👀

Merida: just my brother’s bare golden behind and hyacinthus under him 

Merida: i will not be describing any further 

maybeitsmaybelline: damn and just when it was getting good 

Mr.Brightside: Did you have to throw your bow at us? 

Merida: excuse me if my surprise caused my muscles to spazz 

wienaunt: and prevented apollos jizz jazz ayyy

gottagofast: ayyy 

Merida: why don't people lock their damn doors

Mr.Brightside: Why don’t people KNOCK

Mr.Brightside: ITS MY BEDCHAMBERS DON'T BE SURPRISED IF U COME IN AND I HAPPEN TO BE PUTTING MY BED TO GOOD USE

Merida: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT

Merida: I DIDNT HEAR ANYTHING

Mr.Brightside: YEAH BC I PUT UP A SOUND BUBBLE BC IM CONSIDERATE

Mr.Brightside: UNLIKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T FUCKING KNOCK

wineaunt: man this is like a tennis match 

gottagofast: im breaking out the popcorn 🍿

wineaunt: imma go get the drinks 

maybeitsmaybelline: is this the first time artemis has walked in on you? bc i’d be surprised if it hadn’t happened before 

Mr.Brightside: First time when the clothes were off

Mr.Brightside: She’s interrupted before but never actually caught me in the middle of the “act” as it were

Merida: bleach

Merida: where is the bleach

wineaunt: under the sink cabinet 

SmartyPants: Artemis please do not try to bleach your eyeballs. No matter what you saw that is extremely dangerous. 

Mr.Brightside: She isn’t going to she’s just being aN OVERDRAMATIC LITTLE BITCH

Merida: TRY ME U WHORE

BobTheBuilder: didn't we have a conversation about no fighting earlier?

gottagofast: we had a conversation abt no bad vibes

gottagofast: but this is fucking hilarious 

wineaunt: it is lmao 

maybeitsmaybelline: apollo, artemis, pls do go on

Merida: MY EYES APOLLO

Merida: MY EYES ARE SCARRED

Mr.Brightside: They’re gonna be a lot more scarred if you pour fucking bleach on them! 

IHateItHere: you think artemis would be used to nudity with how things were in ancient greece

Merida: nudity! not people having sex in front of you!

Mr.Brightside: We stopped when you burst in! It’s not our fault you caught us in the middle of it!

Mr.Brightside: And you need to apologize to Hyacinthus! He’s mortified! 

maybeitsmaybelline: aww poor baby 

maybeitsmaybelline: u better be comforting him apollo ;)

Mr.Brightside: I am

Merida: why would i need to apologize? 

Merida: the bow hit u 

Mr.Brightside: Its not abt u throwing the bow!

Mr.Brightside: You and him have a good relationship i don’t want awkwardness from this to ruin it

Mr.Brightside: Or ur wailing about your “poor eyes”

Merida: fine i’ll tell hyacinthus we’re still cool

Merida: just put up a do not disturb sign or smth next time

Mr.Brightside: Or you could, I don’t know, Knock next time 

Mr.Brightside: Would you even notice a sign when ur barging in my door? 

Merida: i knock u put up a sign 

Merida: deal?

Mr.Brightside: Sure I’ll put in in big neon letters so you will see it for sure

Mr.Brightside: Artemis don’t come in me and Hyacinthus are fucking

Merida: APOLLO

wineaunt: akdgskdh 

Mr.Brightside: hehe ;)

gottagofast: i can make that sign for u apollo 

gottagofast: i have scented markers 

maybeitsmaybelline: ooh scented 

wineaunt: are any of them grape scented 👀

gottagofast: yeah but the grape one doesnt smell good

wineaunt: gasp

wineaunt: u take that back 

gottagofast: i have the right to my opinion 

wineaunt: yeah a bad one

wineaunt: u have shit taste

gottagofast: fuck u i have great taste!

Mr.Brightside: he does have a point hermes

Mr.Brightside: u just told us abt the guy that tattooed ur name on himself 

IHateItHere: pffft yeah that was an epic fail

maybeitsmaybelline: yes but from failure comes learning experiences 

maybeitsmaybelline: and hermes got himself a new friend~

maybeitsmaybelline: how is tattoo girl? u with her now or was that a one time thing 

gottagofast: it wasnt a one time thing

gottagofast: it was a several time thing with more times pending

maybeitsmaybelline: oh 👀

gottagofast: thats all ur gonna get

maybeitsmaybelline: HERMES CMON

maybeitsmaybelline: JUST GIVE ME SMTH

maybeitsmaybelline: pls 🥺

IHateItHere: u cant say no to that face hermes

BobTheBuilder: You really can’t 

gottagofast: alright alright

gottagofast: she has tattoos

SmartyPants: That’s a given, Hemres. She’s a tattoo artist. 

gottagofast: athena?? ur invested in this too? 

SmartyPants: Knowledge is power. The more I know about what everyone is up to the better off I am. 

Mr.Brightside: The translation is she doesn’t like not knowing things lol

SmartyPants: Thank you Apollo. No one else would have ever guessed that.

Mr.Brightside: Damn ur sarcasm is improving too

wineaunt: bravo

gottagofast: she has piercings in some interesting places ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Merida: gross

gottagofast: and blue hair 

maybeitsmaybelline: hermes! that’s just physical description! i want to know what she’s like

gottagofast: she has a very dry humor to her, a pessimistic outlook on life, and is a little cheeky with the law which is always a plus 

gottagofast: she hopped a fence just yesterday and she looked so good climbing it 

wineaunt: u love watching her go huh

gottagofast: ;) 

gottagofast: now i gotta run i have some packages to deliver 

gottagofast: adios

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Artemis sweetie, I know ur emotionally scarred but u need to Knock
> 
> Apollo is more annoyed than anything but poor Hyacinthus lol, he’s like pls kill me
> 
> Everything is ok between them tho so don’t worry, there’s just a little awkwardness lmao (also dw Artemis did not actually pour bleach in her eyes, don’t play with bleach kids)
> 
> Hermes Dio and Aphrodite are like the peanut gallery lol
> 
> Hermes is very squirrely with the details about tattoo girl, he likes spilling the tea abt other ppl, not himself, but Aphrodite’s having none of that 
> 
> Thx for everyone who’s reading <3 especially those leaving comments I really appreciate them


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